I'D RATHER BE SLEEPING...

Why can time not stand still?

2012-02-03T14:31:00.002-05:00

It's been 4 years ago today that I lost my oldest sister. She died 2/3/2008.

Regardless of how much time has passed...it is perfectly clear that we don't have as much time as we think we do.

Here's some other random pictures

2012-01-30T17:31:00.001-05:00

voluntary or undetermined action or movement

2012-01-30T17:27:00.000-05:00

So we were totally spontaneous this weekend. We woke up earlier than we normally do and went to pick up a card for my new camera and then we were going to go take pictures so I can learn how to use said new camera. Well after we picked up the card I said, "let's go driving, we haven't done that for awhile". So we were driving and I was thinking some more and said, "No! Let's go home and get my camera and then we'll drive north and we'll pack an overnight bag just in case!". I thought for sure my hubby would say no but we didn't necessarily have any commitments Sunday since it was stake conference and WHAT THE HEY! We never get to really go away on the weekend. So he made the suggestion why not Helen?

So we found a place to stay for the night and drove right on up and had a blast. Here are some pictures from our trip taken with my new camera :) We played miniature golf and we went to this hole in the wall tarantula museum, also had some lizards. Then we ate yummy food :) Oh and I also saw a beautiful ring in one of the shops and I had to have it!! Picture is in the line up :)

Tarantulas: (ew)

some kind of lizard

Today is temporary tomorrow forever...

2012-01-30T15:04:00.001-05:00

Today-I am making changes to my life.

I always had the idea that everything would be the way I wanted...eventually. If I waited long enough, that is.I have come to the realization, albeit a little late, that if you want a certain thing in life you have to go and get it.

So I have decided to finally take a little leap of faith and go back to school, to put myself out there even if it means total and utter failure.

Failure, at least means you tried.

I have always loved makeup and anything beauty related and I have looked into a few different beauty schools to go to. If everything works out I will be going to the Paul Mitchell Esani School to become a board certified Esthetician come June.

I don't know why I didn't go into this field when I was younger but now I am getting to a point in my life that I don't want regrets. I don't want to look back and go, why did I do that or why didn't I do that.

So here I am, making my leap because I am tired of waiting for things that may not happen. Understanding that I can't control everything I, at least, can control this and do what I love and feel that I am progressing toward something wonderful.

The end result, honestly, doesn't matter to me. I know that may seem strange to some but I don't care if I actually get a job doing makeup or whatever else in the beauty industry, I just want to feel that sense of accomplishment, success and fulfillment.

My goal has been, and always will be, to be a mother but it isn't happening for me right now but I can't keep dwelling on what I don't have. I must keep moving. Will we continue trying for a baby? Absolutely. I can assure everyone that goal will not be put on hold while I go to school but for my own happiness, for my own sanity, I must progress in the life I have now.

The only irony in all of this will be if I get pregnant before school starts but I will be happy regardless because I at least tried and I can move on.

If I keep living my life in tomorrows all today will be is a regret. Today is only temporary, make the most of it.

Just wanted to say...

2011-11-06T00:01:00.000-04:00

That I have the cutest nieces ever! And that it is incredibly difficult to type this on my iPod.

That reminds me I am officially in the 30th year of my life. In celebration I received an iPod touch from my hubby, a beautiful ring from my parents and of course money.

I don't like it. I believe I shall be telling people that I am forever 29. Can I do this? I honestly don't feel any different but I wonder if one day I will wake up and look in the mirror and think when did that winkle get there or that gray hair?

Well, here's to my 30s. Please be kind and be the best years of my life

not able to be traced and not known to be dead

2011-09-18T20:01:00.001-04:00

Have no fear I am in fact still alive.

My hubby and I have been working, exercising and preparing ourselves to be future parents. No I am not pregnant but if we are to hope to have children we both need to prepare our bodies to be able to handle the riggers of parenthood and really I don't want a baby being the weight I have let myself get to.

My hubby and I have joined weight watchers and will be increasing the amount we exercise. I am 100 lbs heavier than I need to be. I kept my high school weight steady (a 100lbs ago) pretty much until I got married and after marriage well....anyway my ultimate goal is be 100 lbs lighter by next summer which I can do. If, of course, I stick to my guns. Sometimes I want to go back on the HCG diet but I grew tired of my limited food. I would have a great supply of optional foods if I enjoyed eating fish, crab and shrimp but alas I do not and I was stuck with chicken and beef every day and I grew tired of defending the diet itself. It really does make more sense than what people give it credit for. I have been on weight watchers for almost 3 weeks now and have only really lost a pound. Go me.

This is why diets are so discouraging especially for people with PCOS. PCOS makes it really easy to gain weight and hard to lose it. This is another plus to HCG. I lost pretty much a pound a day and I wasn't hungry at all nor did I have any muscle loss and lost 30lbs easy peasy but just with any diet though if you don't change your eating habits after you stop dieting, guess what? You'll gain the weight back. Doesn't matter whether it's HCG or weight watchers.

**sigh**

No...I won't be doing HCG...even though I really want to. I shall stick to weight watchers for now and see how I do. Wish me luck...I'll need it.

Where do I begin?

2011-07-07T20:33:00.001-04:00

I never wanted to be the person who never updated but alas I have joined the long list of people who just don't have the energy after a long day to do a post but I need to do one but how to sum up the last few months?

MAY-JUNE-JULY Review

The big things that happened?

My hubby's big 30. We didn't do much but celebrate as we always have, just the 2 of us. We started out the day with lunch at Olive Garden, then we went to Malibu Grand Prix. It's a fun little place a little like Dave and Busters but smaller. Then we did dinner at Outback Steakhouse. I can't remember if we saw a movie or not.

Our 7 year anniversary was spent in Florida at Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure. I wanted to do something fun and just the 2 of us because I can only remember 1 anniversary where it was just the 2 of us the rest have always been spent with family or something else was going on around that time. We had a blast. We did take pictures but they are on my hubby's phone. I enjoyed both parks, I would say that I could have loved Harry Potter but my excitement was dampened by the near 120 mins wait times and too many people. I would say when you go to the World of Harry Potter do so at the end of the day after 5pm. We were so rushed in the stores and cramped it just wasn't the experience I wanted and expected. Just a side note, the parking goes down to $3 after 6pm with the park closing at 9/9:30. So you could totally to the trolley to and from your hotel and then drive back at the end of the day just to do Harry Potter. We were there from Friday to Wednesday with 2 rest days. I did something to my hip at Islands of Adventure so I didn't have as much fun as I wanted to there seeing as I had to limp everywhere I went but overall I loved just being with my hubby and having him all to myself and celebrating 7 YEARS!! I can't believe it!

NOW THE BIGGEST THING!!

I have a new niece! She could've been a 4th of July baby that would've been awesome, the world celebrating your birthday with fireworks. How could you go wrong? I have yet to meet her in person but I hope to soon!!
Much love sent their way!

I think that's the big things pretty much that have happened in the last few months. Every other day has pretty much been the same thing

National News: Casey Anthony found not guilty. I could say a ton about this case but I won't. Something happened to that little girl and there's only one person who knows the truth and she'll go free with a $4000 fine by next Wednesday....nice...

To lay waste; destroy To overwhelm; confound; stun

2011-04-29T19:40:00.005-04:00

I have wondered whether or not to blog about this. I had posted videos and pictures and status updates on my facebook page and I thought perhaps it might get a little too much if I also blogged about it but since I do have readers that are not my facebook friends I decided to share it here.

The video on the bottom was shot by someone who was sitting in the University Mall parking lot. The shot is unbelievable and you can hear the panic and fear in his voice.

The video on top is an aerial view of the path of destruction, at the 1:26 mark you can see the apartment complex that my husband and I lived in before we moved here.

This just breaks my heart. I lived in Tuscaloosa for 12 years of my life. It is my home and I will forever bleed crimson.

Here is a link to a blog a friend of mine started to those who may be wondering how to help. I believe she will keep in updated. http://howtohelpalabama.blogspot.com/

One thing I know for sure is that the good ol' boys will never be down for long. I know Tuscaloosa will rise from the rubble stronger than ever.

The saddest to see is all the displaced people roaming the streets looking at all the devastation without knowing where they were to go and how they were to get there-hopeless and scared. One thing I am so proud of about the people of Tuscaloosa is after the initial shock was over they got to work.

I continuously pray for them.

to give into the power of another

2011-04-29T19:34:00.001-04:00

It is official as of today April 29, 2011 we have sold our 2nd car. He has been with me for a long time, 11 years to be exact. My first car, my first responsibility.

I cried as I saw him be driven away. I hope that he will be taken great care of. I suspect that his new owner will be pimpin' and blingin' him up. This brings me solace as I have always known Beastro, so named because he is a beast on the road, to be a show off.

Fly and pimp my little car. You have been good to me.

In my sea of self reflection and contemplation

2011-04-25T19:11:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness have I entered into the realm of slacker bloggers! Holy CRAP! I must repent.

As the title clearly reads I have for a while been a state of self-reflection and contemplation. I am looking forward to with joy the rededication of the temple in GA, where we will have the opportunity to have a Prophet of God in our midst.

How grateful I am that we have the restored Gospel in our lives, that we are able to step within the sacred walls of the Temple and leave the world behind. How grateful I am that we have again today Prophets and Apostles. I am grateful to be a part of this day and a part of this gospel.

However, this does not exclude me from having what I call "spiritual tantrums". Which leads me to my sea of self reflection.

I posted this title as a status update on facebook and my friend asked, "are you sinking or swimming". I replied "sometimes both".

I have been spiritually tired lately. Now don't worry there is no need to fear my wonderful friends, my testimony is stronger today than it was yesterday. This will forever be true of my testimony.

I am tired though of continuously fighting the side of me that caused even the great Prophet Nephi to exclaim: "O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities."

The side that is carnal, the side that is selfish, vain, unkind and uncompassionate, the side that continuously wearies me with the whys and why nots of my life is constantly in battle with the side that is good, with the side that would mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. The very side that would give the shirt of her back and the side that knows and appreciates all that her Savior has done for her.

I know, at this moment, all to well the continued plea of Nephi: "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. Do not anger...Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions...Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation. O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul?...Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?"

I hope to one day be able to not feel as though I am in a constant battle with body and spirit. I wish to have the loving attributes of my Savior, to have true Charity for all.

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

lost in thought...not attentive

2011-03-15T14:27:00.000-04:00

Has it really been that long since I last updated this thing?

I apologize for my absence but hope that absence truly make the heart grown fonder?

Anyone? Anyone?

To be honest my life consists of working, coming home, eating, sleeping, working, coming home, eating, sleeping...I think you get it.

I don't see how anyone can love what they do when it takes up so much of your time and interferes with what you wish you could do and won't be able to do until pretty much when you're dead.

But what can you do right?

People who have come up with the saying we work to live not live to work should die.

Anyway nothing much else is going on in my world and a whole lot of heart ache in the world around us so needless to say this is a sucky post.

Sorry. Come back in another month and perhaps it'll be a little more cheerful or check out my review blog instead. I update that one a little more often. Speaking of which I need to post another review.

waiting...for what?

2011-02-01T14:11:00.000-05:00

So for most of "adult" life I feel I was always waiting. Waiting for the right one, waiting to have a baby, waiting waiting waiting. Basically waiting for life to happen to me than being proactive and making life happen.

Truthfully, I am tired of it. I am tired of waiting and hope that I can at least be proactive in some aspect of my life seeing as I work 8-5 Mon-thurs, 8-2 Fridays and have church on Sunday, this doesn't leave much time for true productivity but perhaps I can start out small instead of wanting everything all at once...the perfect life.

No such thing. I suppose I feel I have wasted too much time waiting for that perfect life to fall into my lap believing that everything is just right around the corner and bound to happen at any moment.

It is amazing how much joy it can bring to be proactive and productive in something, anything. Whether it be a project of some sort or cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry. I know laundry is my least favorite thing to do but I do feel a sense of accomplishment and ease when I know I have clean underwear to last me a whole week.

I need to be more productive and forward facing and moving than looking back at things in the past and wishing for a do-over.

"The thought “Someday I will” can be a thief of the opportunities of time and the blessings of eternity." Elder Henry B. Eyring

NEW BLOG

2011-01-23T22:16:00.001-05:00

Hey blog readers. Just wanted to let you know that I will be starting a new blog. I will be doing reviews on items that I have purchased.

I think it'll be fun and informative. I don't expect every one to enjoy it nor have any desire to purchase the same products I just thought hey why not, how many of us purchase products and find we just wasted money or saw a product but didn't think it was worth the purchase and hoped someone would do a review?

Well here ya go.

Please follow my new blog as well as continuing to read this one :) You can find my new blog here: http://soisawthisontv.blogspot.com/

Thanks!

A wild fancy or hope

2011-01-07T14:55:00.003-05:00

My very own bucket list and I'm sure there will be things added on a daily basis and not one of them will be to go skydiving.

The first ones that come to mind are:

1. Have a baby (yes, yes strange thing to have on a bucket list but whatevs)
2. Go to beauty school
3. Buy a 1969 Camero SS
4. Drive a race car at least once around a race track
5. Stay at a 5 star hotel
6. Go on a cruise
7. Go to Europe
8. Go to Africa
9. Learn a new language
10. Drive one of those motorized carts at the grocery store as well as
11. Drive a golf cart (and hit a golf ball as hard as I could across the green and leave it at that--golfing is not something I find entertaining but hitting the crap of a golf ball just to see how far I could get it---oh yeah)
12. Visit all national monuments this includes national parks (Yosemite, Yellow Stone)
13. Stay in an actual mansion for at least 1 night
14. Have a maid
15. Have a cook
16. Learn to drive stick
17. Buy a house on the beach
18. Meet an A-list celeb
19. Be in a movie
20. Have enough money to be able to do all these things!
21. Ride a jet ski
22. Learn to drive a boat
23.Try to ski whether behind a boat or on snow
24. Maybe scuba diving but this freaks me out but my husband is certified and wants me to be too
25. Get a professional manicure

Not previously experienced or encountered

2011-01-02T23:05:00.000-05:00

New.

A brand new year has come and with it new experiences and challenges. I am sad to see 2010 go. It had its definite ups and downs, surprises whether good or bad but overall I am grateful for what blessings have been brought to us this year.

I am looking forward to this year and hope that it will be a great year for us, family and friends alike.

We shall see what we accomplish. Here's to you 2011.

PS...Please don't suck.

not present; absent or lost

2010-12-21T19:01:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning sad and have remained so throughout today.

My sister was on my mind the minute I woke up. Perhaps I dreamed of her and don't remember.

Perhaps it is just one of those days.

Needless to say I feel upon the verge of tears and haven't been in the best mood nor do I feel very well.

To top this all off our water heater busted while both of us were working and now we have to shell out $800 not to mention the nice dry wall stain we'll have to get rid of....nice.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

a state of happiness or felicity

2010-12-17T17:08:00.001-05:00

I love Christmas time.

I love Christmas trees, I love Christmas lights.

Most of all I think I love the overall feelings of being blessed.

I am grateful for Christmas. It isn't just a time of getting. It is a time of giving and that's what we should be doing and not expecting anything in return. Although that is nice too ;)

May we all, irregardless of what religion, celebrate this time as a time of joy, giving and kindness. This is, in my opinion, what the spirit of Christmas is all about. It doesn't matter what you believe or what you celebrate it is a time to remember good things, it is a time to be grateful and a time to renew faith.

the quality that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, to act without fear

2010-11-16T15:11:00.000-05:00

In the Wizard of Oz the cowardly lion wanted only one thing from the Wizard. Courage.

In the end he learns he's had it all along and just needed the right conditions for it to manifest itself.

Life is full of instances of pain and mourning. Times when we think our hearts can not handle what is placed upon it and when it might seem easier to run away than face the challenge.

Life is beautiful. Some may find it difficult to understand why we must not murmur in times of darkness but rather look forward to the light with joy. Truly the sun shines the brightest after a storm.

We have a choice. To live and be of a strong courage so we can be the light to those who have become lost to the dark or we can wallow in self pity not allowing ourselves something greater and be swallowed up in the night.

Courage-the ability to live and be happy no matter what comes our way.

Please check this out!!

2010-11-10T18:06:00.001-05:00

http://iamirasema.blogspot.com/2010/11/giveaway-time.html

Completion; opposed to start, or beginning

2010-10-17T00:41:00.001-04:00

To finish...but first a continuation of sorts...

to my last blog entry.

I feel as though I have not accomplished much in my life. I have been given opportunities and haven't, in my opinion, finished anything I've started. Whether it be a project, craft, diet, exercise, what have you I end up giving up or...giving in.

I need to put my mind to something and do it, not just think about it. If I have a thought, an impression whatever it is I need to follow through.

I need to forget the past, not worry of the future and live in the present. I need to stop looking at others and comparing my life to theirs. My life is my own and it is what I make of it.

Who I want to be is not yet meant to be, for whatever reason, but I need to just stop waiting for life to happen and quit doing things to just pass the time. I need to feel that I have accomplished something. Something that will be both challenging and rewarding.

I need to know I can do it. I need to push myself to a higher level.

I won't reveal what I have chosen to do just yet but I must do it-start to finish.

To measure up to; satisfy; complete

2010-10-14T21:53:00.004-04:00

What is true fulfillment and why do I not feel fully satisfied?

When I was a teenager I knew one thing. I wanted to be a mother. I had it all planned out. I would get married to a returned missionary right out of high school and have a baby by 20. So I waited...and waited. The age of 20 came and went without so much as a 2nd date.

Then came 21 and the question came to me "do I serve a mission".

I had gone through the repentance process for things I had done in my past and felt fully that I wanted to give back to the Lord, in whatever minute of way, what the Lord had given me. So I had pondered, prayed, and fasted whether this would be the right course for me. When I made my final decision and went to the Lord with my conclusion that I should go I had an experience I had never before had and haven't since. I wrote in my journal my very experience and I can't deny the overwhelming feeling that the Lord agreed, that indeed, I should serve.

I had only one snag. At this particular time, I had one course to finish in college before I graduated and my Bishop advised me it would be for the best that I wait until then, after all it was just the one class and if at the time that I graduated and still felt I should go then I could fill out my papers.

As school went on and time melted away those strong feelings, I began to doubt myself. So I said, "don't worry Heavenly Father, I will still go on a mission I just want to know who I will marry."

Lo and behold not soon after I am introduced to my wonderful husband of today. I was still determined to go but then another snag, that one class I had to finish turned into 2. I began to think I'm getting closer to 22 and if I do serve I won't get back until I'm closer to 24 and that seemed so much older than I wanted to be to get married. So come December 2003 I was engaged to be married.

But something was nagging me, I remembered the promise I had made to the Lord that I would still go and so a few months before I was to be married I confided in my then fiance that I couldn't shake this feeling that I needed to serve a mission and asked him how he would feel if we postponed our coming marriage.

Needless to say it didn't go very well and I decided then that I would not go and I am ever ashamed of that decision.

I have heard many people say when I recall this part of my life that the Lord would never disapprove of my decision to get married and I know that he doesn't disapprove of this but if only they knew what I still know. That I should have gone and did not. I know it, I know the Lord knows it and I cannot deny it.

How I wish I knew then what I know now, that 25 would've be just fine to get married.

anything handed down from the past, as from an ancestor or predecessor...

2010-10-13T22:22:00.001-04:00

I have been in a very contemplative mood lately, pondering the inner most, sometimes morbid, thoughts of my heart.

Not that this makes for a pleasant dinner conversation, but my husband and I decided to go to Olive Garden for dinner the other night and pretty much our whole conversation was how people handle death and how we've come to handle deaths within our own families.

I think of my late sister every day...every day.

I try and remember all the little things that made my sister who she was. I don't know if people really knew how wonderful and beautiful she was and is to me and to her family who dearly miss her. She may not have had much, she may not have done much but she has left an ever enduring mark upon my heart and I question, "what have I done?"

What am I leaving behind for my posterity? Am I leaving behind a story that will be forgotten with time or will I leave behind a legacy? This is not a selfish, prideful motivation to leave behind a legacy it is one of a deep need to be better than what I am, to be an example of purity and goodness for the future.

There is so much hate and sadness in the world and the reasons are so screwed up, right is wrong and wrong is right, good is evil and evil, good. We need more beacons of truth and goodness, more lights that shine in a world of darkness.

So I ask what have you done? What have any of us done?

absence or omission of mention, comment, or expressed concern

2010-10-11T19:49:00.000-04:00

Silence.

Sometimes I wish I could stop time, to live just one quiet hour over and over again. Not worrying about what will come next. Just be still and listen to nothing but my own heart beating without a thought of yesterday or tomorrow going through my mind.

Our lives are so overcrowded. How can you feel calm when your life is constantly filled with...noise?

I wish my mind would be calm. I wish I could sleep soundly throughout the night. I wish my mind wasn't racing with all that I have to do, all that I will do and all I want to do.

You can never find the right words...

2010-10-02T21:35:00.000-04:00

I don't really know what to say except I thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I thank you for your service to our country and your sacrifice and I thank your wonderful family for theirs.

You will be missed by so many. We are proud to call you our friend and our protector.

Thank you. Please follow this link to see more of this great man and the wonderful tributes to him.

http://www.michaelthemaven.com/?postID=1586&tribute-to-an-american-hero-mark-forester

days are trollin'

2010-09-02T20:42:00.000-04:00

The last few days of work have been good.

I think it's funny because I'm always told "you always have a smile on your face".

No matter what happens you should always have a smile on your face.

A friend has been quoting a lot from Pres. Hinckley, (former President/Prophet of the church). I love all the quotes and one especially that he used after his wife passed away.

"Be believing, be happy, don't get discouraged.Things will work out." - Gordon B. Hinckley

Things may not always play out the way we've planned but they always work to our benefit. I remember seeing the video of President Hinckly at the funeral for his wife, at one point he bows his head in sadness and weeps and I thought here is a man who knows more than I of the truthfulness of the Gospel, the plan of salvation, and divinity of our Savior and of life after death and yet at that moment I am sure he felt utterly alone and helpless. His heart had been broken and he missed his great companion.

I am sure he found comfort in what he knew to be true and I am sure that he found a friend in the comfort of the Spirit.

Christ is said to be a man "despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not" (Isaiah 53:3

When the Prophet Joseph Smith was in Liberty jail he received this:

"If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea; If thou art ^aaccused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb; And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever"
***

"Art thou greater than he?"

This is not a rebuke from the Lord, this is not the Lord saying stop your whining I went through much more, it is reminding him that the Lord knows exactly and even more so what he is going through. It is reminding all of us of this and that he suffered more than anyone of us FOR us. It is to remind us that this life is not all there is and that there is something much greater waiting for us-Eternal life. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that we can not handle if we have Faith in our Savior and Redeemer.

He descended below them all that we may know the fullest of joy and of how to endure our trials with smiles upon our faces.

Tears will come, frustrations will rise and anger at times can get the best of us but if we continue to remember Him, anything-ANYTHING-can be overcome.

Situation where a recurring or one-time task is performed...

2010-08-29T21:43:00.002-04:00

Having a job is a blessing most definitely given the times we are in. I had a wonderful time being trained in the current job I am in. The ladies who trained me were great and I could see myself having a great time. There wasn't a day I didn't leave without a smile on my face.

Then came the change to the new office. I was so overwhelmed and scared and hoped that I would be able to have time to acclimate myself but behold I walked in and pretty much it was "here's your desk, get to work, ask questions if you need to".

Stress, fear, and being overwhelmed I left work with sharp pains in my stomach. I wasn't able to go directly home but upon arriving home the water works started flowing and I sobbed on my poor husband's shoulders. I pretty much went directly to bed.

I just have been so sad lately. I think it is because of the ever present reality that things are not the way I envisioned them to be and I don't know if they ever will be.

I am trying to be ever faithful and hopeful that these trying times are only the means to a glorious end. I know the Lord is aware of my needs and desires, the hardest part is waiting for the blessings and the journey to get there. I hope that one day we will have what we desire in this life but if it isn't meet for us to I can only imagine greater things are in store after we leave this frail existence.

I hope tomorrow will be better.

Stroke and Satan wtc?

2010-08-20T21:27:00.002-04:00

Um, so I have 2 dreams to blog about. You have been warned.

Well these aren't that bad but still weird none-the-less. I'm a little vague on some details but I will type what is still floating around in there.

The 1st dream involves hubby and I and some other people that I can't remember and we were running through a field. Well we can jump really high and we were trying to jump up so we could catch the wind and fly. We had these pop out floats with wings and a motor that were attached to us like parachutes and if we caught the wind just right we could fly where we wanted to. We just needed to be sure we caught the wind right or else we would be crashed into the ground. So then it switched as all dreams do to us borrowing the van from some family members. Their van is apparently filled with ghost demons or something where each of them are sitting and they have been influencing these family members to doubt the truthfulness of the church.

Well we borrow the van anyway and soon there is a new man that enters our lives. He appeared to become more solid as these particular family members gave him strength with their doubts and soon had a body of flesh and bone. I didn't like him very much, something about him (other than the fact he appeared out of nowhere) but hubby liked him and started hanging out with him more and more and started being influenced by him.

We were in the kitchen one day talking and this guy was trying to charm me into believing him. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I will never believe what you are telling me, you are a liar."

He continues to try and I look at him again and say "They may not know who you are but I know who you are." He smiles and asks, "who am I then?" and I boldly say, "you are satan and you have no power over me, get out of my house."

Then I woke up. Enjoy?

2nd Dream: I don't remember much although it involved someone having a stroke but didn't want to go to the doctor and he was walking funny and it freaked me out but I end up kissing him and said, "I've always wanted to do that, decided to just in case you die."

There was more that happened but not enough detail to make it coherent.

til the next time!

Like OMG vacay!

2010-08-15T22:52:00.003-04:00

We made a week long trip to Virginia Beach with my hubby's family and then we decided since we didn't have anything to really do until the following Thursday why not head to PA to visit a little while longer.

It rained the first day we were there and it was cloudy the next so it was Tuesday before we were really able to enjoy the beach. We attempted to walk the strip/boardwalk but our efforts were thwarted each time. The first time my husband cut his foot so we were only there maybe 20-30 minutes and then returned home. Any store I wanted to go into he didn't so we basically just walked which wasn't any fun because he was limping the whole time. Attempt #2 a huge storm rolled in and we were only there again for 10 minutes before we were held up in a store waiting it out. Thankfully my in-laws happen to come to the very store we were in and offered us a ride back to our car. We did end up going to see the Sorcerer's Apprentice and I did enjoy it, although the main character had a very nasally voice.

Friday, the rest of the kids went back to PA, don't ask my why, we were paid through Saturday but whatever so it was just the 4 of us (me hubby and F-I-L and M-I-L). We finally were able to at least go to the boardwalk and ride bikes but that was the extent. We went to try and find a sea food restaurant and were led astray by a Mexican restaurant called the Tropical Cafe. It was ok not the best I've had.

PA was spent pretty much swimming and playing Rock Band, just chillaxin all cool but due to how often I was in the pool I have an ear infection.

Oh! An update on the training-I now have the opportunity to be trained working the front desk part-time while I train for pedo since I don't get paid while I train for the assisting job. This way I can at least get some cash flow going before I am fully serviceable as an assistant. Wish me luck!

What Dreams May Come...

2010-08-12T14:57:00.004-04:00

And in whatever form they do. Mine just happen to be weird pretty much 99% of the time, the other 1% I can guarantee are weird I just never remember them.

This is the latest one.

This dream took on an Inception like feel, as though I was in a dream but it was not my own or that my dream was interconnected with someone else.

This dream opens at a beach house, I am with my family and few other people. Tory from mythbusters was there except he didn't look like Tory and part of the mythbusters crew were also there as well as some strangers who happen to be in a movie theater off the living room. I was cleaning out a cupboard when I came across a mafia treasure hunt card game equipped with map and all. As I was trying to figure out how to fold up the map a little girl came up and started ripping the map up.

I said "no baby girl don't do that."
She replies, "but it's me."

I look up and behold a 5 year old Dakota Fanning look alike is standing before me. I give her a big hug wondering what she was doing there. She replies, "you know what I am doing here but I have to go now"

"Where are you going?" I ask.
"You know where I'm going," she said as she looks towards the door.
I nod my head in agreement and a sadness comes over me as I watch her walk toward the door and disappear before she even gets to it.
I have a thought or a feeling that I will find her again and make it so she doesn't have to go anywhere ever again.

The dream continues on with a few other weird events where I'm naked and then I'm not and when I'm naked I just happen to be in a room with only windows and have to crawl on the floor to hope not to be seen. Anyway I then find myself in my old neighborhood in South Carolina and I am in my bathing suit heading toward my former piano teacher's house to go swim.

The neighborhood is strange, in some parts there are very muted colors, in other parts there are very vibrant colors and everything including me is moving in slow motion. I can still clearly see the wind blowing through the trees and the leaves flowing through the air as I try to run but only can barely touch the ground as I float up and down as though I'm on the moon.

Now I am somehow no longer in my swimsuit but heading down toward my old street. As I walk I notice there's no one. No signs of life at all and think this is so strange but continue to walk as fear rises in my chest and again I try and run but can't. I turn onto another street and see a family having a picnic again still everything in slow motion. I continue to walk toward the people having a picnic because they so far are the only signs of life I have found. I get closer and realize there's a block party going on. They had circus performers and everything. I can't stress enough how slow we all were.

As I can't move passed the crowd fast enough there is a tree with a branch sticking over the crowd. I jump and float up to catch it and find that the tree is actually alive seeing as when I grabbed the branch it grabbed me. I thought well maybe in its haste to fling me off perhaps it would fling me over the crowd. As I land I laugh and think to myself wow if anyone could see my dreams they would think I as totally weird.

I don't know how exactly but I reach my destination and it is a party with a bunch of little girls and very few adult females. There are balloons, animals, a dunking tank all beside this creek. I'm looking for someone that I can only imagine was Dakota and finally she appears out of no where and I realize, this is her dream and not mine. I got down on her level and smiled and hugged her again and asked, "this is your dream isn't it?"

She merely nodded and looked to the top of the stairs. As I did there was another little girl who was standing there apparently Dakota's little sister. The sister looks at me and says "this is her goodbye party" and at that moment I see flashes of light and turn back to where Dakota had been standing. I see her begin to disappear amid the lights and finally there lying on the ground were her clothes.

I start to feel a very overwhelming sadness and I turn back to her sister and ask "where did she go, where is she?". Her sister points to the ground and I look back and see little foot impressions and they lead to the bank of the creek. I pick up her sister and run toward the water with her. I get there and see an old foil chip bag be disturbed and float into the water. All this time I am sobbing and asking her to return to me and I run back to take the sister back to the stairs and was going to run back to the water to find Dakota but as I turn back the bag has now floated to the middle of the creek and goes up in flames and I collapse knowing full well that that would be last time I ever saw her again and I just lay in my rumpled mess sobbing until I woke up.

This isn't the strangest dream I've had but by far the most emotional and vivid for me, I truly felt as though I lost her and that she truly was a part of me. As I write this I can still see it all so clearly and I am still a little sad.

the next step

2010-07-29T21:32:00.000-04:00

I've been playing around on facebook just now and looking at blogs and I began to ask the question what lies ahead?

I have been given the opportunity to train as a pediatric dental assistant or an orthodontic dental assistant. It seems to have come up by accident and I can't help but wonder, why this? Is it a stopping point along the way to something bigger?

I hate having a job. Don't get me wrong, it isn't the work itself that I hate-it is the simple fact that we have been indoctrinated (for lack of better word) to believe we need it, that we need it to LIVE. That to get what we want, when we want it, how we want it-we need money, so we work and we work and we work ourselves to death and lo and behold we are never satisfied. We always want more and to get more you have work more, you sacrifice yourself for something that you will never enjoy the fruits of. We all become slaves to the job and we begin to wake up and dread the day.

Do we need the majority of the stuff we seek after? You have a house you never enjoy because you're working all the time? You have cable that you never watch because you're working all the time? You never see your family because you're working all the time? By the time you get home you only have time for dinner and bed and you start all over again. It isn't right. Who says you have to work 8-5, who says you have to work Mon-Fri? Who?

So...what is the next step? To train or not to train. I went yesterday to pedo and I actually do like it, I'm just afraid, afraid it'll turn out just like any other job I've had, becoming so unhappy and dreading getting out of bed and not feeling like myself any more.

Paul Cardall's new book: Before My Heart Stops

2010-07-19T17:57:00.001-04:00

Check out this youtube video. Paul Cardall is an LDS musician who started a blog titled Living for Eden. He just recently finished his book Before My Heart Stops. He was born with a congenital heart defect and through the miracle of modern medicine he made it 36 years and was told he would not survive a year if he didn't get a heart transplant. His blog covers his journey waiting for a heart and then finally receiving one. It is a heart felt journey and I hope that you will check out his blog as well. It is located at the bottom of my blog under Paul Cardall.

Please check out the video.

"I want hot dogs"

2010-07-17T23:06:00.001-04:00

Leonardo DiCaprio has come a long way from playing the younger brother of Johnny Depp in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape". A role that truly showed his acting capabilities because for the longest time I seriously thought he was retarded.

From "I want hot dogs" to "you can be my Romeo anytime" and finally "king of the world" (I too gasped and giggled in Titanic when they showed only his eyes) Leonardo has come a long way to solidify himself in the acting hall of famers.

His latest movies Shutter Island and Inception have truly shown how far he's come.

Inception by far is as outstanding as they come. Now don't shoot me for saying but I don't believe that Avatar raised the bar for any movie out there other than now everything is offered in 3-D.

Inception is a mind trip. The emotion, the concept, the perceptions, the reality, the realness of it just blew my mind. Yeah it had some elements of the Matrix but the Matrix didn't have this much heart. You were truly invested into the characters and trust me at the end of the movie you'll have "please fall, fall, FALL!" going through your mind and you will be on the edge seat come the end and resist the temptation to stand up and shout "WHAT? COME ON!!" when the credits start rolling.

I know this isn't a "LEO" movie but he truly, as with Shutter Island, really brings you in with him and he conveys his character's emotions with such ease and realness that you are truly in every moment.

The only problem I had-Ellen Page who played Juno, was one of the main characters and I kind of had a hard time seeing her as anything else but a teenage pregnant girl but that did not by any means take away from this movie for me as I enjoyed Juno as well.

Just go and see for yourself. Oh and if you haven't seen Shutter Island I suggest you see it too.

movie reviews (DVD/theater)

2010-07-05T01:45:00.000-04:00

So this is my first movie review. I've seen it done on a friend's blog and I often thought, you know what I should that do too one of these days. I love movies I see a lot of them but sometimes we don't know if it'll be worth going to theater for. Plus we all have different tastes and a movie that appeals to one may or may not appeal to someone else but how many of us are deterred from seeing a movie that we would actually like because someone else didn't care for it and how many of us go see a movie because it gets rave reviews and it ends up sucking butt?

That being said, when I first found out they were redoing Karate Kid I thought ok, they are keeping with the pattern and going with the whole retro themed redo movies out there, we'll see.

So we did. If you have not seen the original Karate Kid then you will think hey this is somewhat original and done well. But if you have seen the original and then watch this movie you will know what is going to happen before it happens. Literally all they did was take the original script change the location and the races. I was laughing at some places because of the predictability of the movie.

This review is strange because I can't say it was good or bad but I will say it is definitely not worth the money to go and see it if you loved the original. Trust me you will have the original script running through your head while you're watching it and find yourself saying lines from the original.

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Slumdog Millionaire

I really did not want to see this one. I find more often than not the movies that you would show at Sundance are not really movies I enjoy.

I visited a friend in Memphis and she had this on DVD and said she enjoyed it. I thought ok I can watch it just to see.

How wrong I was not to want to see it. I really enjoyed it and my husband did too and it really wouldn't be his type of movie either.

The story was original, it was heart felt, and you felt yourself running with him and your heart breaking right with him. I don't want to give too much away but if you haven't seen it.

Warning: there is violence and some language

For people

2010-06-30T16:18:00.000-04:00

who claim that Glenn Beck is wrong and doesn't know what he is talking about, I have to ask have you even watched his show?

I'm not an avid watcher. In fact I can't watch it most of the time because he doesn't tell me something I don't already suspect and it just gets me worked up and I don't like the feeling I get.

I often wonder why if what he is saying isn't true, why haven't they shut him up? Why is it that they haven't gone after him? Why is it that they only make fun of him and don't correct him?

please stop asking...it isn't my fault

2010-06-25T00:46:00.001-04:00

that I can't get pregnant.

I'm not wallowing so don't worry but I often wonder why some people are blessed to get pregnant on their honeymoons or not so soon after and some of us are caused to wait years and often need to seek fertility treatments or some other means in order to get pregnant. Especially if we are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. I'm getting old here my womb will be dry soon sooooo...just sayin'.

Anyway sometimes I want children so bad it hurts. I really hate to admit that I do get jealous when I hear other people announce they are pregnant, I truly am happy for you but I can't help but feel when will it be my turn.

I have a very good remedy, however, all I have to do is watch other people's kids and I'm ok for awhile hahaha. I just have to be reminded how much they require from you and I'm ok for a few months and am grateful for the all the time I have to do things just the 2 of us. It is nice for a short bit but then my eyes wander to the many babies in church and all around me and I become very aware of the ever present void in my heart that longs to feel the love a mother has for that precious life, the one she would give her own for.

I really wish I knew the future. I wish I could see the reasons as to why things happen the way they do. I believe there's a reason to all things, whether to strengthen your faith, your testimony or to teach you...something. I just wish I knew what the purpose was and then I wouldn't be so impatient.

No offense to my wonderful friends but please don't ask me the status of my fertility problems, if I've gone to the doctor for help or treatment or anything like that. I'm just posting my feelings, not searching for pity or advice or anything like that.

sorry

2010-06-23T00:35:00.000-04:00

Hey avid readers I'm sorry I haven't been posting in a while. I've just been busy with going out of town and youth group that I just have no energy to post about it.

I will say, however, that we went camping this last weekend. I have said many a time my feelings on camping. Any one who knows me knows how much I dislike it.

Oh don't get me wrong, I love the outdoors, just sometimes it's better enjoyed from inside a nice air conditioned room with no bugs and I don't have to sleep in it.

Camping should be something you do when the weather is just right, a nice breeze, hardly any bugs bigger than a mosquito-absolutely no bees-and hopefully very little humidity. I won't go camping if there isn't a bathroom with doors and showers with curtains that actually go straight across. I mean really, why have a toilet or a shower in a public bathroom with no door?! just a curtain that doesn't even cover the whole thing????? Tell me please who was the genius who hung that up?

I will stay the night in a tent-if I have to-but this past weekend I was so miserable and wanted to cry in the morning. I really can't sleep in a tent outdoors. I didn't actually sleep until the sun was already up and only got about 1hr tops before having to get up and out.

I don't know how I'm going to handle girls camp in July.

Distractions

2010-06-04T14:43:00.002-04:00

I've been thinking about this recently. I wonder if amicable divorces happen because you long to be in-love again and somewhere down the line your marriage became more of a friendship. You long for the time when you look at your wife/husband with longing, with butterflies in your tummy and when your heart skipped a beat just thinking about them. And then you are left with emptiness questioning, what happened, where did it go wrong?

Distractions. I believe that's the key. In every marriage there are distractions-Jobs, bills, children etc.

Distractions lull you away until one day you wake up and realize that you no longer can see your reflection in your wife/husband's eyes but everything else in the back ground and you no longer hear their voice but the noises of the world.

Do you then try and rekindle what was lost? Do you even bother or do a Bruce and Demi?

It is counseled to us to continue to date even after we are married. My husband and I were counseled to go away just the 2 of us every few years. It seems we hardly get to even though it continues to be "just the 2 of us" but distractions keep you away from each other. It seems the only time we go somewhere it is with family. I'm not saying it is a bad thing to spend your time with family but when you go away with your significant other you leave the cares of the world behind. It is just the 2 of you and only the 2 of you, you aren't worried about bills, you aren't worried about dishes, you aren't worried about work, school, what have you.

So to all my married friends, be sure to continue to date, be sure to continue to be in love with your husbands/wives. It is ok to leave the kids even for a few days, go and do something just the 2 of you.

Has it been that long

2010-06-01T13:47:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness has it been that long since I've posted. So unlike me. Right?

Well we just got back from a wonderful trip to Oregon to visit the other side of the in-laws. My wonderful sister-in-law was sealed to her wonderful husband and 3 children. My brother-in-law also returned home from his mission and this was the first time I was able to meet him. There's one more brother I have not met who will return home next year so we will probably go back for that if not for a holiday. Having 3 families to choose from is hard when it comes to who are we going to visit. Goodness!!

I was able to spend loads of time with the kids playing sorry sliders over and over again with the oldest of the 3 children who just turned 6 as well as go fish. I forget sometimes what it is like playing games with children. The child always wins. Perhaps this is by design but how can teach your children to be losers if they always win? HAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding.

I also got to spend cuddle time with the baby, she's is so cute. I hope to see my sister and niece soon too! I miss that little bugger as well as all our family we don't get to see often.

This summer is going to be a busy one. A YW overnighter, Camp, Beach trip but all in all it'll be fantastic.

Ok, that's what's going on. Sorry not my normal way of writing but this was done very quickly and at least you have the run down!

Is it too much to ask?

2010-05-14T12:36:00.001-04:00

Is it too much to ask that if a company is going to out source their customer service they get people who can understand English as well as speak it.

Thank you.

And if the government will please be more efficient with how they run their offices it would be really helpful. If you got more employees to handle patrons instead of that one person doing nothing it would really help move things a long so we're not waiting there for 3 hours. Yeah and people expect great things from health care...

what was I so worried about?

2010-04-29T12:15:00.000-04:00

My family says I always wear my heart on my sleeve and put it out for all the world to see and why can't I keep my mouth shut about certain things. But in my defense there are certain things that I keep close to the heart but the following is not one of them.

So, I thought we were ok. I was worried with our economy but so far we were good. My husband's company seemed pretty solid despite the goings on. They were cutting back how much they spent but no one was laid off-

until today.

I was always worried that this day would come. Especially since we have a brand spanking new mortgage, a car we are still paying on and bills that don't end.

So when my husband came through the bedroom door crying, I thought someone had died.

But alas no one had.

We were talking a while back that I was afraid to let go completely and rely on the Lord. Thy will oh Lord be done? Yeah...riiiiight. I told my husband just this past week that it seemed that any one who made this declaration more trials were then piled upon them.

Well...I made the declaration. Yep...I took the plunge and my husband lost his job today. HA! Oh God, you have such a wicked sense of humor.

I am truly grateful to my Father in Heaven for all that I have and I am grateful for the knowledge that after much tribulation come the blessings.

I thought I would be worried, brought to tears through fear but any tears I have shed this day have not been out of fear or worry but out of love and gratitude. I must find peace and comfort that the Lord knows more than I and that He has answered my plea for guidance and He will answer our prayers even if the way is not what we thought it would be.

I suppose now there's nothing stopping my husband from going back to school full-time.

I suppose we'll see but now is the time to act.

what I really want sometimes

2010-04-23T16:36:00.003-04:00

is to disappear off the grid.

Sometimes I feel pulled here and there yet getting no where. I want to not have to worry about where the money comes from, bills, mortgage payments, house insurance, cars, car insurance. Everyone wanting a piece of you, yet you get absolutely no satisfaction.

What would bring me the most satisfaction? Being able to travel, being able to just pick up and go wherever the wind blows me and not worry about where the necessities of life will come from.

My happy times come from vacationing, from spending my time with my family as well as having me time. I think that's why people love vacations because you get away from all of life's bull and frankly unfairness.

Why are our lives so run by outside forces when we were created to act and not be acted upon?

So why don't we act?

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On another note is any one else having problems with blogspot?

agree to disagree

2010-04-17T21:04:00.001-04:00

I agree with Bill Clinton **gasp**. I don't think his intentions were to actually compare the tea party goers to the people who are part of the "militia movement" (ie Oklahoma bombing) but to say that these types of situations can incite extremists to action and on this I do agree. I think they will use the tea party movement as a means to give reason to their plans but this is not the fault and shouldn't be labeled as the fault of the tea party movement. These are individuals who are all responsible for their own actions. Still as Bill Clinton stated we can't shut up but be mindful of those who are around us, their states of mind and kick out any one who doesn't stand as you do because these same militant minded people who are anti-government aren't necessarily mad at the government they are more I want the power the government has. This is not the tea party movement platform.

But people still insist on vilifying the tea party movement. Calling them various names most of which do not describe the majority. I can guarantee that the majority feel that Obama is taking us down a road that is dangerous for America and threatens what America stands for but would never use violence or terrorism to get their point across. They are angry, yes, angry that they are not being heard and that they are being portrayed poorly by main stream media. The majority of those tea party goers are not anti-government they are limited government. They believe the gov't has overstepped its bounds in more ways than one which in fact, they have and it's our fault. We allowed them to. We allowed them to take the responsibility of taking care of each other away from us because it was easier.

We are on a socialist road. I will admit, however, that this socialist road we are on did not start with Obama but it is being continued and quickened by him and made much much bigger. This system that he is continuing is not equal. A system cannot be equal if the leaders hold themselves above the law and above the people.

The constitution, hanging by a thread, and we are the ones holding the ceremonial scissors. *Snip snip.

What would our founding fathers think if they could see us today? Would we even listen to them or think they are crotchety old men whose time is up?

One of the major things that bug me about all of this is the arrogance of Obama. To smugly say that he just doesn't understand why we are so upset and that we should be thanking the government.

Mr. Obama a tax cut is only an illusion. A tax refund check while very nice to receive and we look forward to it like a dog to a bone wagging our tails in excitement when we get it in the mail, is simply our own money being returned to us.

Can't sleep

2010-04-13T02:13:00.000-04:00

I have much weighing on my mind.
To go along with my previous post about how many we have lost this year, hearing about a death always brings a hallow feeling to my heart and a knot in the pit of my stomach.

A feeling of how can we go on and be happy with an ever present sadness weighing upon our hearts?

I think about my family, my beautiful niece.

I think about how quickly life can change, how one day life can be great and the next it slams you into a brick wall.

How can I rid myself of the nagging feeling of that wall around every corner my life may take?

I have had trouble sleeping because of these nagging thoughts and anxiousness.

My prayers are that no one will ever do anything to hurt my precious niece whether physically, emotionally or spiritually. The need to protect her from those who would want to make her believe she is less than what she is, is very strong to me. To think that there will be one day another child who may make fun of her and hurt her feelings makes me want to pummel this non-existent child.

To see her happy and pure now and then to know of the things she will be facing in her future makes me more anxious and pleading in my prayers that she will remain the happy girl she is now. Pleading that no heart aches will befall her.

Of all the little children I know and love I wish no ill, no hurts, to befall any of them, wishing that they all will remain the way they are now, the most happy, the most innocent and pure that they will ever be in this life but it isn't the cards, if it were Adam and Eve would never have left the garden and would be happily naked in their ignorance never to experience sorrow. But then, how could they or we know the fulness of joy without going through the pain?

I know heartaches will come, hurts will come but I don't want anyone to ever feel of less worth, of less value than anyone else or for anyone to think they have the right to inflict those feelings on someone else.

I just pray for comfort, for my spirit to be calm. That I may sleep happily and soundlessly. To dream of a simpler time, to a time when I had not a care in the world except what toy I should play with.

I wish for a life of no heartaches or pain but I am grateful for my experiences only for the simple fact of the knowledge I have of something greater and that all this is temporary and the real test of faith is the ability to endure.

But I will still pummel anyone who would ever hurt my little niece's feelings or hurt her in anyway.

Losses 2010

2010-04-12T12:50:00.000-04:00

It is amazing how many people from my high school class have passed away so far and the year is far from over. I remember posting about how 2009 was so great that I almost felt it was the calm before the storm how right I seem to have been.

We just lost one more friend from our class. It is sad and shocking and leaves you absolutely knowing that life is way too short.

If you want to do something go and do it, don't wait until tomorrow to accomplish it. Don't put anything off. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone, be happy and live without regret.

As sad of a thought that is to think we are not guaranteed tomorrow, and as much as it make my heart shrink to think that way, I know full well the weight of regret upon a soul and do not wish that upon anyone. It will never leave you.

To all who have been lost this year we will miss you and to their families we grieve with you and continue to pray that you find comfort.

Ok

2010-03-23T12:43:00.000-04:00

Listen to the song on my play list Strong Enough by Kina Grannis, turn it up and have a listen let me know what you think and if you notice something that I just now noticed.

2010-03-19T14:10:00.002-04:00

NADA ZIP ZILCH

Yeah, nothing to say...

This song popped into my head

2010-03-18T23:29:00.000-04:00

One of my oldest sister's favorite primary songs just randomly popped into my head as I was thinking about her and I thought I'd share the lyrics.

Sing your way at the close of the day.
Sing your way home, drive the shadows away.
Smile every mile, for wherever you roam,
It will brighten your road,
It will lighten your load,
If you sing your way home.

so ready

2010-03-03T14:17:00.002-05:00

FOR SPRING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes

2010-02-26T00:33:00.001-05:00

...I wish I was an atheist. Wouldn't life be easier to not worry about eternity? To simply say hey it doesn't matter eat drink and be merry today for tomorrow we die.

To not feel responsible for everything I do. Yeah, that'd be really nice.

It'd be even more nice to not have stress or a calling in church, to be able to sleep in on a Sunday morning.

But alas, I am not an atheist. I know he is real, his gospel is true and I am responsible for every choice I make good or bad.

To quote a great Prophet: "I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation."

So no I can't be an atheist. Darn it! No really.

Johnny Mathis

2010-02-23T00:57:00.000-05:00

I wrote this Feb of 2008 seems more relevant today I think

2010-02-17T04:35:00.000-05:00

Political and earthly unrest

As I watch the political unrest unfold I realize how much America needs help. You put the wrong man in the white house we get further and further away from the standards and truths that made America. We are suppose to be United yet this very issue has caused such hostility among the very people who are looking to lead us. This does not comfort me and personally since Romney dropped out I do not look at any of our candidates Republican nor Democrat to be America's savior.

The times of such unrest.

There are signs all around us that the 2nd coming is ever present, times spoken of where people's hearts shall fail them and they shall be lovers of themselves, there shall be wars and rumors of wars and when the earth herself trembles and cries out for relief. The very seasons, the weather, the melting of artic ice, animals in danger of becoming extinct, the earthquakes in divers places, the waves heaving themselves beyond their bounds, the unrest within our own country and the unrest within others-are all signs. While the 2nd coming is inevitable the time for such an event is unknown and the way we handle today determines the outcome of tomorrow.

We are in dark times, no doubt about that. Perhaps we should take some advice from Abraham Lincoln who said "We have been the recipients of the choicest bounties of heaven. We have been preserved these many years in peace and prosperity. We have grown in numbers, wealth and power as no other nation has ever grown. But we have forgotten God. We have forgotten the gracious hand that preserved us in peace and multiplied and enriched and strengthened us and we have vainly imagined in the deceitfulness of our hearts that all of these blessings were provided by some superior wisdom or virtue of our own...we have become too self-sufficient to feel the necessity of redeeming and preserving grace, too proud to pray to the God who made us. It behooves us then, to humble ourselves before the offended power...and pray for clemency and forgiveness."

Haiti

2010-02-07T14:14:00.000-05:00

Go to this website and read about the croix-des-missions ward. http://www.ldsmag.com/churchupdate/100202church.html it is about the LDS Haitian members who live in Haiti.

I have a friend who is currently in Haiti. His mission was to go and help the orphanages since many had fallen through the cracks and did not have any aid coming to them. He has had many frustrations but great things have happened since he's been there.

He has begun working with Canadian military and is now working toward getting water purification filters, tents, and tarps. He is asking that donations be made to help getting the water purification filters.

Please go to his blog http://www.michaelthemaven.com/index.cfm?postID=1298 and click on the link provided in this post. I would encourage you to read about his journey as well in his other posts.

He's a great person and one to look up to for all the sacrifices that he has made to help these people. He is a great family friend. Please trust that is not a scam. These people need help.

2 years

2010-02-03T13:41:00.001-05:00

I can't believe that it's been 2 years today that she left us. The farther it gets the more I miss her, the more I think about all the things she's missed.

And the more I think about how precious time is the more I realize how we still let it slip away from us.

My sentiments exactly...

2010-01-29T23:37:00.000-05:00

A Weak and Dependent People (July 2008)
by Jacob G. Hornberger
With its coming bailout of homeowners and mortgage lenders, the federal government refortifies its role as daddy for the American people and the people’s role as child-adults who are dependent on their daddy to take care of them.
The bailout, while strengthening the federal government, makes the American people weaker than ever. A people who look to the government for their sustenance and to protect them from their own mistakes and from the adverse vicissitudes of life will inevitably be a weak people.
The economic question is: How long can these paternalistic programs continue? Is the final day of reckoning just being delayed? After all, don’t forget that these programs of unfunded liabilities stretch all the way back to the New Deal in the 1930s. Every few years, a new crisis materializes, only to be jerry-rigged by the feds. Most everyone assumes that the process can go on forever.
The government gets its money in one of three ways — taxation, borrowing, or printing it (i.e., inflation). Regardless of which method is used, it all comes from the pockets of the American people.
It’s fairly easy for public officials to issue these types of bailout plans. They just have to pass a law that doles out the goodies. But consider all the potential liabilities the federal government has incurred as part of being the people’s daddy. People’s retirement (Social Security). People’s healthcare bills (Medicare and Medicaid). FDIC insurance for people’s bank accounts. The savings and loan bailout. The home mortgage bailout. And countless more.
Most everyone assumes that while there might be a crisis here or there, the federal government will easily be able to deal with it. But what happens if there is a perfect storm of several industry-wide collapses? For example, instead of a few banks failing what happens if there are bank runs on 90 percent of the banks? How is the government going to cover everyone’s losses? By taxing everyone? So, let’s see: Someone loses $50,000 because his bank (and everyone else’s) fails. To get the money to pay him off (and everyone else), the government taxes him $50,000. How does he come out ahead with that kind of “insurance”?
But hope springs eternal and faith in the power of Caesar never fails. People honestly believe that despite the fact that the federal government has had a system in place ever since the New Deal that sustains and protects weakness, it will go on forever. All that’s needed is a new paternalistic program every few years.
Oh, don’t forget that the national debt, which continues to grow each day, is now at 9.5 trillion or about $31,000 per person. Five years ago, it was at about $26,000 per person. What if the day came when that debt had to be paid off? Could your family handle the tax to pay off its share of the debt? What if it came on the day that banks were failing on an industry-wide basis? What if it came when the Baby Boomers were all retiring and demanding their Social Security payments?
But why think about such unpleasantries? Heck, maybe if we’re lucky we’ll all be dead when the day of reckoning finally arrives, leaving our children’s generation to deal with the problems.
No one can say though that federal officials are dumb. People who are bailed out are likely to be very grateful to their federal daddy for having helped them out. How likely is it that bailout recipients will ever challenge the government at a core level? Who’s going to bite the hand that feeds him? Oh sure, people will carp about governmental inefficiency or call for reform of this or that government program, but when it comes to questioning such things as torture, wars of aggression, occupations, warrantless searches, and socialist bailouts, the lips of weak and dependent child-adults are likely to be silent or kissing the boots of their federal providers. That’s why Roman officials used “bread and circuses” as they extended the reach of their Empire around the world.
Our American ancestors understood that the more powerful the government is, the weaker the people will be. Thus, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that for more than a century Americans lived without such socialist programs as Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, income taxation, welfare, mortgage bailouts, and the like. Americans also believed it was morally wrong to use government to take money from one person in order to give it to another person.
As federal officials prepare to enlarge their socialist feeding trough once again, alas, the principles of economic liberty and limited government are lost on the weak and dependent child-adult Americans of today who are preparing to do the feeding.
Mr. Hornberger is founder and president of The Future of Freedom Foundation.

How is it...

2010-01-22T13:06:00.000-05:00

How is it that someone so loved doesn't know it? That they feel alone in this world. Many of us go about our daily lives passing people by without a single thought. Who may see someone with tears in their eyes and not know why but never ask. Who may think something is wrong with a friend but never follow through with their feelings? Are we to blame if we don't see the signs or see the signs and just not realize it until it's too late?

Selfish:
1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2 : arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others

In the wake...

2010-01-15T14:40:00.000-05:00

...of an aftermath like an earthquake such as the one that Haiti just suffered, the tsumani of yester year and many other tragic events that have happened over the years, your heart often wonders what can I do?

My heart goes out to Haiti, as did my heart for any tragedy, I know there are broken hearts and spirits there, but I still ask myself what more can I do?

I want to go and help but will I just be in the way, where will the money come from in order for me to fly over there. I can donate money but I just don't feel it is enough.

These are few things I would like to share with you if you want to help and just don't know how:

There are a few different websites that you can donate money to: https://secure3.convio.net/ldsp/site/Donation2?df_id=1861&1861.donation=form1&s_src=14703 or the Islamic Relief emergency fund which is working with the LDS church to bring relief to Haiti https://www.islamicreliefusa.org/SSLPage.aspx?pid=203
You don't have to donate to these places of course. There's salvation army, red cross but I can guarantee your money will go to where it is needed most with the above links.

This website explains how to put together humanitarian aid kits if you wish to do that.
http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,4598-1-3263-1,00.html
http://www.providentliving.org/content/display/0,11666,4623-1-3265-1,00.html

Going Private sort of

2010-01-14T15:32:00.002-05:00

So instead of going private I'll be making another blog to go private with. I will post on this one but I will be posting more ranting and raving on the other one...mainly about specific people that annoy me from day to day.

If you would like access to this blog please send me your email addresses.

New blog is listed under private It's not you, it's me.

I might go to hell or should I repent?

2010-01-05T14:19:00.006-05:00

I'm a fan of the LDS church facebook page. It isn't endorsed by the church but whatever, LDS people go there and it is a place that is suppose to be uplifting.

Not so much when people who are fans of the page just want to bash the church. Why are you a fan? Do you have nothing better to do?

I am tired of these people and usually don't want to enter into an argument but I like to see what other people would write and get pulled in one way or the other.

The angrier of the people usually say they left church for blah blah crap reason that has nothing to do with the church but with themselves and they then, to make themselves feel better, blame it on the church and/or God which would be one in the same anyway I digress.

I came across a comment by a person named J Love (that has now been deleted) about how he has gotten his freedom, he no longer is under someone else's rule and he is grateful to have left the biggest fairy tale ever told.

So as things go on he deletes his previous comments and starts saying how things are tough in his life and he's lost his faith, in himself, in God and in the gospel and how he wishes it wasn't so.

Ok. Why couldn't he have started out with that?

So I write:

If you were truly searching don't start out with such a condescending tone next time. If you were a convert, ask yourself why you joined. What about the church made you feel you wanted to join? Was it doctrine, was it a feeling you had?

You speak of being free and then you say you can control drinking/smoking what have you but it seems as though those are the demons that continue to haunt you so how can letting go of your faith lead to freedom? When you are obviously still tethered to your bad habits?

If you are a convert to the LDS faith then you must know of the vision of Lehi/Nephi of the Tree of life and the rod of iron. The true test of faith is how hard you hold to that rod when times are tough, when the clouds of darkness surround you and you no longer can see the tree. Do you let go of that rod and wander down strange paths and become lost? Or do you hold tighter to that rod?

Do not lull yourself into believing that if you let go you'll be happier or that things will make more sense. Do not believe that you can control those things that continue to haunt you without the help of the Savior ie the rod of iron.

Faith is hope, it is not knowledge, it is the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill his promises. It is the hope that if you hold onto that rod, it will lead you to the tree of life.

We all have gone through tough times in our lives, whether it be tethered to our bad habits or a cause of some outside force.

We can't control that, what we can control is how hard with we hold on.
-----------------

When people go through tough times I do feel for them. What I don't like and have a hard time feeling sympathy for is the fact that they blame God for their problems or some one else.

I feel like, look we are all in the same boat of this thing called life. And on this journey across this vast ocean we sometimes hit storms. Some small, some big but we still have to paddle harder then we've ever had to paddle and if you aren't putting your full effort in or if you stop all together and you end up overboard, how is it that you end up blaming the ones who kept on paddling? Does this make sense? If you aren't willing to put in as much or more effort as the rest of us why are you in the boat? A free ride? You ain't going to get one sweetheart so start paddlin'.

We each have the freedom of choice and with that choice comes responsibility. Responsibility for how we act and how we react. How miserable a life can we lead if we are constantly attached to past hurts and mistakes? A pretty sad one.

You have the choice whether to be happy or to be miserable. Life can suck big time, I am very much aware of that fact but I hold on and I continue to paddle because I know that the storm will end, the sun will shine again and the waters will become still.

I've made my choice. What's yours?

After Christmas/New Years

2010-01-04T14:03:00.002-05:00

Christmas was great for us.

We were able to be with family and that was what was most important. I got to see the cutest little girl in the whole wide world! That was enough to make my Christmas worth it.

Well that and all the other presents I got :)

I don't want y'all to be jealous so I won't list them.

We had a wonderful experience as a family and I am grateful for the wonderful blessings that have come into our lives as a result.

Well cheers! Here's to a brand new year!

I must admit that I am a little sad. It's almost as if I'm saying goodbye to friend. Maybe I'm scared what this new year will bring. 2009 was a good year for us, I have fears that it was the calm before the storm.

It's probably just hormones. I mean come on I started crying when Dick Clark came on during his rockin' new years eve show.

Christmas

2009-12-20T16:57:00.005-05:00

As Christmas comes upon us we should all be reminded of the greatest gift that could ever be given to all mankind-Christ.

I am grateful for the knowledge that I have. The faith I have that those promises that have been made will indeed come to pass whether in this life or the next.

I am reminded that through our Savior we are all able to be reunited, that we will see our loved ones again.

We as a family, this Christmas, will be doing something very special for my sister who is no longer with us. We will be giving her a great gift and I hope that wherever she is, she will accept it and we will know.

Merry Christmas to all.

The most meaningful prayer...

2009-12-13T01:01:00.004-05:00

comes from a cute little 2 year a boy.

As I was leaving from babysitting on Friday his mother told me that he has started saying his prayers by himself about a month ago. He starts off of course with thank you for mommy and daddy but then all on his own he started saying thank you for **drum roll** ME!!!

That's right I am remembered in the nightly prayers of this sweet little boy.

He is in my prayers too. I am grateful for the opportunity and experience I have had being his babysitter and now that his brother has joined the ranks I am gaining more experience and love for these beautiful children we've all been blessed with.

There are reasons to why things happen the way they do. If I have touched a heart or made an impact in just one life for the rest of my days, I wouldn't be one bit upset to know it was his.

Birds of a feather...random thoughts in my head

2009-12-10T12:33:00.003-05:00

Birds of a feather flock together.

While this applies to all forms of groups, clicks what have you. I have only heard it and said it myself being used in a negative way.

Why is that?

To the group of teenagers who act stupid and do things they are too young to do and understand-I say Birds of a feather...

To the group of snotty, snobby girls, airheads-I say Birds of a feather...

It is a natural thing to congregate together with those that have similar interests so why is this negative?

We all do it so some of us are tucans, some of us are dodos, some of us are parrots.

I make an end of my sayings.

And yes there was absolutely no point to this post.

CHRISTMAS

2009-12-04T12:44:00.001-05:00

Christmas, go see my pictures

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=141694&id=517816127&l=66aed35502

Don't wanna but gonna

2009-12-04T00:01:00.005-05:00

So my husband got involved in yet again another debate on marriage.

I've come to the conclusion, through reading the arguments on both sides, that we've clearly been fighting this battle for way too long and forgetting to clarify one important issue-what each side wants.

I think we need to clarify what is truly wanted by homosexual couples. Is it the rights afforded to married couples that is sought after or wanting to be recognized as married? There is a difference.

If couples want to be together they have every right to be. I'm in agreement on that and no one is denying the right of gay couple to live and practice together. If they have been together for a very long time and plan to be together for a very long time then I do believe they deserve more recognition in terms of the law.

Case in point, my uncle had a partner for 30 + years, upon the death of his partner my uncle after having been with him for 30 years, got nothing. His partner never put my uncle in his Will and therefore there was no legal recourse or safety net for my uncle. Everything went to the children from his partner's previous marriage and believe me those kids weren't about to help my uncle he gave his all and got nothing.

In this I understand the desire for more rights and I am in favor of these types of rights being put into place and I think that homosexuals should fight for them.

This may seem confusing and it is a hard issue to argue this because the difference between the rights of a couple who are married, to the right of being recognized as married aren't distinguishable in the eyes of man. They are seen as one in the same and they aren't.

This is because people have forgotten that marriage isn't a man made institution and they do not believe that the bounds of that institution were set forth by that same God who created us and that marriage from the beginning was defined to be between man and woman.

"...God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." "And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." "And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

Marriage is a law set forth by our Creator and is to be held within the sacred bounds that He set forth not the bounds that man would impose. Within the sacred bond of marriage we are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, we then become co-creators with our Father in Heaven. We are given the gifts of procreation and are held in contempt if we abuse that Law as with any Law that He has set forth.

Does God loves us straight or gay? Absolutely, but God's love does not excuse us from living God's law to which He even can't excuse Himself from. "What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same."

So if the rights, as dictated by man, that are afforded to couples who are married is what you are after you are justified in that desire and I back you all the way-BUT-the sacred institution of marriage set forth by God should not be touched. It isn't something to be trifle with and cannot be changed without offending Him and we already stand on rocky ground.

Seek Not to Counsel the Lord

2009-12-03T13:38:00.003-05:00

First Presidency Message Seek Not to Counsel the Lord (Shortened) Ensign, Aug 1985

The great Book of Mormon prophet Jacob pointedly counseled us who live in the latter-days to “seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand.” (Jacob 4:10.) ...seeking to counsel the Lord...means disregarding the Lord’s counsel, either knowingly or unknowingly, and in place thereof substituting our own counsel or the persuasions of men. Doing this is a very common human weakness. ...From its very beginning, the history of God’s dealings with his children on the earth testifies to the fact that those who disregard his counsel fail and come to grief. In the days of Samuel, for example, Israel clamored for a king. “Make us a king,” they cried, “to judge us like all the nations.” (1 Sam. 8:5.) They thought it was more important to be like the people around them, the heathen nations, than it was to follow the counsel of the Lord. Through Samuel, the Lord solemnly protested, saying: “This will be the manner of the king that shall reign over you: He will take your sons … for his chariots, and to be his horsemen; …“He will take your daughters to be … cooks, and to be bakers. “And he will take your fields, and your vineyards, and your oliveyards. …“And he will take the tenth of your seed, and of your vineyards. …“And ye shall be his servants. …“Nevertheless the people refused to obey the voice of Samuel; and they said, Nay; but we will have a king over us; “That we also may be like all the nations.” (1 Sam. 8:11–20.)

Samuel mourned..for he knew that if...they persisted in their demand for a king, it would mean their downfall. But the Lord, always respectful of man’s agency, whether he wants to do right or whether he wants to do wrong, said to Samuel: “Hearken unto the voice of the people …they have rejected me, that I should not reign over them.” (1 Sam. 8:7.)

Israel got their king. In a few generations their kingdom was divided, the people were taken captive, Israel was scattered, and Judah became a hiss and a byword throughout the nations.

...When we resist the counsel of the Lord, we manifest stubbornness and rejection of his inspired guidance. ...how insignificant is the wisdom of man, which is based upon his limited mortal experience, when compared with the wisdom of God, which is based upon his knowledge of all things. ...when we do not keep ourselves advised as to what the counsel of the Lord is, we are prone to substitute our own counsel for His. As a matter of fact, there is nothing else we can do but follow our own counsel when we do not know the Lord’s instructions.

...We know with certainty where the counsel of the Lord is to be found: (1) in the written word of the Lord, the scriptures; (2) in the counsel of the living prophets; and (3) through personal inspiration and revelation to each of us for guidance within the scope of our own assignments or circumstances.

I don't understand

2009-11-30T14:00:00.002-05:00

Why do people buy pets together when they are just boyfriend and girlfriend?

I really wish money did grow on trees

2009-11-17T16:35:00.008-05:00

One of the biggest problems in America today is the amount of debt that a single person/single family home incurs.

My husband and I have been pretty good about not getting into debt. Until we bought our car and house we didn't have any debt at all. When we first began looking at getting a house I spoke with a representative at a home mortgage company. I was asked all the regular questions of course and when we got to the part of how much debt do you have I said we have none. We don't have a car payment, we don't have student loans, we don't have credit cards. There was a silence on the other line and then a "you're not normal people." I laughed and said "yes and I'd like to keep it that way."

Then we bought a brand new car. It will really be ours in May of 2012 a 5 year loan that I guarantee we will not do again. It will be used cars for us from now on. To be honest it really isn't worth it, especially if your debt doesn't depreciate along with the value of your car.

Then 2 years later we bought a house. Yes this was used, yes this was a foreclosure and yes we got a great deal on it, and our mortgage payment is less than what we were paying for rent. We will be trying as soon as we can to pay off our mortgage in 15 years rather than 30 but this is only an idea because we wouldn't be able to until 2012, ie after paying off the car.

This is the biggest thing that makes me cringe when I think about it but a house is a house and it's my house and I'm not trading it up anytime soon.

While these are acceptable in my opinion what isn't acceptable is not putting anything back. We've depleted our savings through surprise car maintenance for our other car, through loaning money to a friend which we shouldn't have done and through the buying of our new home. We are living pretty much paycheck to paycheck and not putting anything back into our savings like we should be doing. Thank goodness, however, we have not had to dip into it to pay for any of our bills or other misc items other than what was mentioned above.

Do we have to live pay check to pay check? No. Can we put money back if we really worked hard at it? Yes. Debt isn't always about owing someone else, we are currently in debt to ourselves. Perhaps if I thought of our savings account as being another bill that will help us to actually save.

I have been keeping track of everything we've spent for the last 5 months. I will not share those figures with you but just know it would make your mouth drop.

Better yet how about you guess how much we've spent in 5 months total.

threatened

2009-11-10T09:52:00.002-05:00

My sister threatened to put me on a blogger slacker list :(

I was able to go see my sister and her family for my niece's 1st birthday. She is such a perfect and pretty little girl and such a joy to be around. I thoroughly enjoyed my trip there and the 8-9 hour trip up there wasn't that bad. It's pretty straight forward actually. If you'd like to see pictures of my perfect little niece check out my sister's blog. She is listed under family on my blog list and yes my niece was born on my bro-in-law's birthday so they are celebrating together. We'll be all together again for Christmas! I can't wait!!!

As for my blogging, I know I have been slacking off but my disappointment in people's seemingly lack of concern for what is going on in America has really been my reason for not expressing my opinions on such matters. The same goes for anything religious and my life is pretty boring other than being able to rant about such things. Who wants to continue to hear from a right wing Jesus freak extremist? HA! Me? A right wing Jesus freak extremist? I laugh in your face!

DEMOCRATS WILL DESTROY AMERICA AND GOD WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

That's how I feel people think I feel. I actually wish it were that simple.

Anyway, I don't have kids so I don't have cute pictures and funny stories to tell and after I have kids I don't want my blog to turn into kid central either but it probably will.

I don't clip coupons although I need to so I don't have advice on such matters. I don't craft, but I want to. I actually want to make my Christmas gifts this year because we really don't have the money to spend but also I always end up spending a lot of money on one person and little on someone else because I spent so much on the first. While most are truly heart felt I always end up forgetting someone. My goal is to not spend more than $100 on gifts this year TOTAL.

I need to get my Christmas cards out early this year. Last year I asked my husband to please get me a list of people he wanted to send Christmas cards to and he didn't do the list until a few days before Christmas. Needless to say not many on his side got Christmas cards. Sorry. Anyway we'll be going to see them for Thanksgiving so not all is lost.

a whole lotta nothing

2009-11-02T17:37:00.003-05:00

Halloween came and went but it was fun. Saturday we had a Harry Potter party that we went to. I dressed as a veela (or the closest to it that I could get) and hubby went as Voldemort. We started calling him Mort. It was funny, had to be there.

Didn't eat a whole lot of candy. I'm not eating that much sugar right now. I am on a diet right now that limits your sugar and starch/carb intake.

After these 3 weeks are up which ends about 5 days before Thanksgiving, I can start adding back in those things slowly but to be honest I haven't been as vigilant. Such as I had some candy one or two pieces and I had spaghetti last night.

The main thing is to try and get 1500 cal in and I haven't been getting that much in so that's not good but hopefully if I can maintain my current weight (lost 25lbs) as long as I don't go back to eating like I did before and making smarter choices I can keep the weight off until my next round which will be after Christmas.

I am hoping to lose around 80-100lbs by summer of next year if I don't get preggers by then. TMI-You know all the problems I have been having with my cycle? Well not having the sugar really seems to have helped get things back to normal. crossing fingers

blogger slacker

2009-10-25T20:09:00.002-04:00

I have decided to do a blog post because I don't want to end up on a blogger slacker list like some I have put on my own. ;)

I have been wanting to get more involved in service opportunities. I have been thinking about it a lot lately in fact.

I am trying to be a better person, more patient, loving and kind and willing to give of my time and substance.

Yesterday we went to Target. Now, I haven't been a big fan of any of the Targets I've gone to but I like the one over here WAYYYY better than the Walmart we have especially because it isn't as busy and it's closer.

While we were at Target I saw an old lady on one of those motorized carts. She had picked up a pair of pants or something off the hanger and was trying to put it back. She ended up dropping it on the floor. I knew she wouldn't have gotten it up on her own and went over and said I'll get it for you.

If I had just let her do it herself I would've walked away disappointed in myself and hoping for another chance to serve. I walked away feeling good that I had helped her. I thought this is how it should be done with one act of random kindness, doing service because you want to not because there is an incentive to do it, not because you are forced to do so.

The best service is the one done without expectation of recognition or reward.

What to write about

2009-10-13T13:57:00.005-04:00

I could talk about General Conference talks, which were very good but people just are not caring anymore what God has to say. If any leader says anything contrary to what they want to hear they have to be wrong, right?

I could talk about politics but who cares? Everyone wants to be equal but not have to work for it so what's wrong with that?

Who cares that there are people out there actually praying to Obama and worshipping him? He's our savior right?

So what IS the big deal people, keep up with the times!!!

blame it on the taste buds

2009-10-07T02:03:00.004-04:00

I believe that food should be enjoyed.

Especially chocolate it makes your taste buds perk up and go Woo-hoo!

Food shouldn't be something you look at as oh that will make me fat. If it's good eat it! The problem comes when your taste buds want more and more and more...it's like a taste bud orgy and you become addicted.

Is that why chocolate is considered an aphrodisiac? hmmm...

My Birthday is upon me

2009-09-29T01:29:00.005-04:00

and I am excited yet, I will be one year closer to 30. I don't feel like I'm close to 30. I still feel as though I am 22 and act sometimes as though I were 12.

But I am coming to a realization that there are certain things that I feel I am too old to continue to do...

nahhhhh...sike!

explanation needed?

2009-09-25T04:18:00.002-04:00

Ok, I don't know if any one thinks that the songs I have on here are depressing. They aren't meant to be.

I wanted to provide soothing music to those who come to read my blog. I want you to be able to come to my page and actually want to stay. I hate it when I went to some one's blog and something started blaring at me.

While I would love some Lady Gaga breakin it down up in here, I doubt you would want to have her riding the disco stick while you are trying to read my words...

I hope this music is better and doesn't blare at you but encourage to stay. If you don't like a song, hit the button to move it to the next until you find one you do like.

Thank you.

sleep patterns and clean house

2009-09-23T14:16:00.003-04:00

I am a night owl. It is in my genes but sometimes it is very annoying when you know you have to get up early and you toss and turn all night because your body knows this is not right, I'm not suppose to be in bed.

Or maybe it's my mattress...I'm thinking about getting a sleep number bed but I suppose we have to get up off the floor since we've already been living here for 5 months and our bed is still on the floor.

Money is needed or a very generous gift. hint* *hint

The simple life is a happy life. To get wrapped up in the haves and have nots is way too exhausting, although it would be nice to have more money than you know how to handle.

Anyway I was watching Clean House today. This show amazes me because it opens a whole new world to clutter and can't let go moments. This particular episode involved a mother and a daughter. The daughter moved out because it was way too much for her and she wanted her mother to clean up. Her mother was holding on to things of her husband who had died 12 years earlier.

While I can understand the desire to hold on to anything and everything especially when he died unexpectedly, it isn't healthy. They also were hanging on to a chair that belonged to a grandfather or something like that. It was a cheapo chair that they called a family heirloom, looked like a floor display chair at office depot. I wouldn't pass that sucker around unless Brad Pitt sat in it naked...oh wait...that might be too gross but you get the point.

To me when people hold on to items, unless it truly is a family heirloom like your great great great grandmother's wedding ring, it is a physical manifestation of all the regrets, all the what you could've would've said had you had the chance.

It's like when parents hold on to the bashed up totaled car that killed their child. Why in the world would you want that? It would be like someone keeping the gun, pill bottle, rope that your loved one used to kill themselves.

How many people are going to die that you love? Are you going to hold on to everything they touched, everything they sat on, everything they looked at?

Hold on to a few things that's ok. I have a few things from my sister but they are things I can actually use they don't just sit there collecting rust and dust. It would be different if they used it for the last 12 years but they haven't. Would your loved one actually want their stuff to sit there not doing anything except bring you constant grief? Would they?

I understand the motivation, I do but it just isn't healthy.

the right thing to say

2009-09-16T15:37:00.005-04:00

There are many times when I can never think of the right thing to say especially when I'm in a religious conversation. It always comes later, that goes for funny, witty things too. I go over the conversations I've had and think why couldn't I say that?

Perhaps the Spirit holds our tongue in situations that it would be more prudent not to say anything at all.

I do often beg the question, why do I feel the way I feel? I see the same things, I hear the same things yet I feel completely different. When you see/hear them you find fault, when I see/hear them I find guidance.

I've rightfully earned my testimony of the church. I have worked hard for it. Nothing was handed to me on a silver platter and I have never relied on my parent's testimony for anything. I worked for it, I earned it and you will not take that away from me no matter what one may think. I do not follow blindly. I am not silly nor naive. I know. I have been tried, I have been tested.

If you truly have issue, take it up with the Lord. Ask him if it be right, if you truly feel that it is wrong, then ask.

A storm is coming...

2009-09-03T13:04:00.002-04:00

I realized

2009-08-25T14:09:00.004-04:00

....that I haven't been posting as much this year as I did in previous years. For this I apologize. I know people are just waiting for me to blog again because I'm just that great.

Everyone wants to be me!

I kid. I'm not that narcissistic.

I made some adjustments to my previous post regarding politics a couple entries down.

I spoke with a friend the other day and she said that she feels that these things need to come to pass so why fight it.

I agree that these things have been prophesied about and as a result we know by judging by how other nations have regarded the scripture, that even though they have the warnings and they have the example of what not to do, they tend to do it anyway.

In the movie Kung Fu Panda, Oogway the wise, ancient turtle and creator of Kung Fu tells his apprentice ShiFu that Tailung, a previous pupil of ShiFu's, who previously laid waste to the valley after being denied the dragon scroll, will return. ShiFu panics and immediately calls his servant to go to the prison, where Tailung is being held, to tell them to double their guards, weapons, double everything to which Oogway replied:

"One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it."

I had a conversation with my husband a few months ago in which I used this movie as an example. I asked, how do we know that our actions now are not trying to fight the inevitable but actually causing it?" He replied "well, we know these things must come to pass, that doesn't mean we sit idly by and watch them happen."

Prophets of old who were given these revelations of gloom and doom for the people if they did not listen were not instructed to sit idly by and watch them happen. They were instructed to teach, to preach to the people, to continue their work until such time as there was absolutely no one, NOT ONE, that would listen. Why? So that they would be found blameless.

Some, I'm not sure of how many, believe Obama to be the Antichrist. I am on the fence about that one. I do not fully understand what the Antichrist is to be. I do know, however, to be anti doesn't necessarily mean against. Obama is being personified as a savior although he isn't Christ, so in that manner he could be considered a form of Christ but not Christ so therefore anti. I will say, regardless on being on the fence or not, that I don't like it when people say that he is because we just don't know.

However, I do not agree with his policies. I agree that you must look at who he surrounds himself with and who he appoints to be his right and left hand men. The people that I know of that he has surrounded himself with, the "czars", are not people with whom I would associate with and wonder why he does.

I believe in 2nd chances, I believe that people can change their views but if this truly was the case with Obama and those he associates with why have we never heard them say "I denounce those beliefs" it is because they haven't. To further explain my point, I've done things that I am NOT proud of but they shaped me, they shaped me in a way that I have the experience needed to say to others this is not the way you should go.

The way he is, the way they are does not say to me that they no longer believe their previous beliefs are correct, it says to me wake up, that little voice you hear that tells you something isn't right is telling me just that. Something isn't right.

This is something we need to worry about and it worries me that more people are not. If you do not know what is going on, I suggest first to you to read the Constitution, to read your bill of rights then look at those that are your government representatives. Look at their lives, look at their policies, look at what they've done for YOU. Then look at who they've appointed to be their advisors, start from there and work your way up.

If you have found them to be true and just men/women of good and honorable standing then make your judgment and in that you'll be justified. Arm yourself not with picket signs, not with weapons, not with harsh words but with knowledge, with truth and with integrity.

We were made to act and not be acted upon.

nothing like the movies

2009-08-21T11:42:00.003-04:00

I was in T-town from the 10th until yesterday when I decided it was time to come home.

It was a tiring week and half, both physically and emotionally and ended with bittersweet justice.

I say bittersweet because although justice was served and rightfully so, we could not rejoice. The prosecutor told us that we were not to make any noise either way, crying is fine but no booing if it isn't in your favor, no cheering if it is. As he was saying this I couldn't help but think, this isn't just some stranger, we can't cheer, we can't boo, we can only feel the sorrow that we have felt from the very beginning.

Two wonderful people brought a son into this world who killed them 35 years later. How can we rejoice, when it was their son? A person we thought we knew...

How did it come to this?

Can you imagine fighting for your life and the one who is trying to take it is your son? The person whom you gave life, took yours?

Holy crap can you imagine?

There was no question as to his guilt. If some of the jurors were crying they knew, as we all knew that it hits much much deeper.

There is no happiness to be found in any of this.

You had to be there to feel the true impact. Not a pin drop was heard when the verdict was read.

And I am still left wondering...How did it come to this?

Let me make this clear

2009-08-04T09:24:00.003-04:00

I do not like Obama. I do not like where he is trying to take America. What he is doing isn't good. He may believe that this is the best way but it isn't. While helping the needy and helping the poor are always wonderful things and should be done, our Divine Creator says it is our responsibility and if we do not we are under condemnation. However, we are not to be forced to do so. It isn't the governments responsibility to take care of them nor to make us. It should be done out of the true love and kindness that is within our hearts to give of our substance not be forced to do so because of law. We as a people have become so reliant on a group of men/women that we've forgotten our rights, and our responsibilities to this country and to the people of this country.

I see our freedom slipping away. I saw it happening before Obama got there but believed "that would never happen in this country" and did nothing.

I was trying to find the video on youtube on Conyers view of why he didn't read the healthcare bill. He stated, "what good is reading the bill when it's a 1,000 pages and you don't have 2 days and 2 lawyers to find out what it means after you read the bill."

I continued to read the comments and came across one that wrote "wtf, I hate my country."

I responded to him with this:

"don't hate your country, hate what they are doing to it. if you hate your country then there's nothing to fight for. we're the ones to blame for what has happened to it, we were the ones who elected these officials. who lied to our faces and made us believe that we have no choice or say. Read the Constitution, read the Declaration of Independence. These are not outdated as some would have you believe, these are not dead laws, these are our rights and WE have to protect them from men like Mr. Conyers. The sellout that he is."

I do believe that Conyers and many others we elected are crooked and major sellouts. They have been in office for way too long. I believe that they should be given term limits as we have given the President.

Mark and I were talking yesterday. He brought up a very good point. Lucifer's plan, wasn't to have us do evil, it was to force us to do good and the glory be his. Remember this plan was rejected?

Remember by what design these things came to pass. Look at the fruits. Is the fruit, the outcome, going to be desirable or bitter?

I love the Declaration of Independence. I believe that it just as needful today as it was when it was written. Please read it. Read the constitution. Read your scriptures. All were inspired by the same Divine Creator. We were given this land for freedom.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security."

We may not be shackled in chains, we may not be whipped into submission but we will be in bondage if we aren't careful and watchful.

Are there changes and reformations needed? Yes but the complete dismantling of what America stands for? Absolutely not. This nation, this continent is a choice land, those who settled it were led by God to do so. We will be protected as long as we worship him. He has promised us this, however, it seems we as a nation are beginning to forget. Correction will be needed and I fear what will come next.

Vice

2009-07-31T11:36:00.006-04:00

The LDS Single Adult group is for people from age 30 and up. This is also the hardest age group to belong to in a church that puts a lot of focus on the importance of marriage and family.

There is a stigma following those who are 30 and up and are still single. Some, not the Presidency, still quote Brigham Young when he said that a man who is 25 yrs of age and not married is a menace to society. Let's keep in mind that this man lived in an age where people married at much much much younger ages. Perhaps he meant that those men who are picky and want only a woman who is one way and one way only and then wonder why they aren't married??? Who knows. What I do know is that many hearts are losing hope that they will ever get married.

Does the church ignore these groups? No, they have made steps to try and make it easier. For one thing married couples at least in my ward no longer speak on the same Sunday unless it's a special occasion because it might hurt those that are still single.

I think what hurts is when those young married out of high school to brand spanking return missionaries get up to talk and continuously thank the Lord for their husbands and how it was so wonderful to have each other. While there is nothing wrong with this, I can see where it would hurt. It would lead to feelings in the hearts of singles "well, that's all fine and good for you but what about me?"

Another thing is most activities in wards are directed toward people with children. Leading to those singles feeling "left out". There is also the girl likes guy, guy likes that other girl or...guy. When you constantly feel as though you are overlooked when you see the other girls being asked out and in single branches when every week there's an engagement announcement. And they begin to wonder, "what's wrong with me?"

Although I was married at 22, I often asked myself the same question, "what's wrong with me?". I never had a boyfriend in high school, never had a boyfriend in YSA for that matter. I liked plenty of guys, have no idea if any of them ever liked me. I was often left to my own feelings of self-doubt, constantly compared myself to the "pretty, skinny" girls. Seeing the guys I liked asking them out. It's hard.

So when my friend calls me crying of a broken heart because the guy she liked didn't reciprocate her feelings...I know exactly how she feels.

But is it as simple as asking "what's wrong with me?". Is there something wrong with you?

Honestly, I believe I sabotaged a few potential relationships. I was wallowing in my own self-pity, and too busy in feeling sorry for myself that I probably missed a few good opportunities.

We each have our trials, some of us have it a little easier finding a mate, some of us find a mate but after much tribulation, some of us just have to get out of our own way and some of us may never find "the one" but that doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, that doesn't mean that your worth is of any less value.

Pick yourself up, dust off the dirt and keep moving. I know that there will be someone waiting to join you down the road. Just be patient. The sun shines the brightest after a storm.

Babysitting and my greatest desire....

2009-07-22T13:40:00.003-04:00

So I just got back from babysitting. The family I babysit for just had their 2nd baby and starting September 16th, I will be babysitting 2 kids.

Motherhood is HARD but it is so rewarding. I see that just with me being able to babysit a child from the age of 3 months and I am now referred to as "my Kim". Today he tried to pull up my shirt to see my stomach and kept saying "my stomach". I told him "no, that's mine, yours is here" (pointing to his) and he said "No, my Kim".

Baby B is the proud owner of a 20 some odd year old woman. I'm not complaining. I love how much he has learned and sad at how much he has grown but grateful he is a healthy and happy little boy.

I have greatly enjoyed babysitting and look forward, even with a little hesitation, to babysitting 2; however, though Baby B and I are such good friends and I enjoy his company so much and hopefully can become the "property" of 2 wonderful little boys, I greatly desire the company of my own little ones.

There is a prayer in my heart everyday that we will get pregnant and be able to start a family. I wish I was one of those fertile people that get pregnant just by looking at their husbands but alas I apparently am not. I don't want to have to go to fertility clinics, I don't want to have to fast and pray for a baby, I don't want to have to take drugs in order to have a baby. If I don't get pregnant the normal natural way, how can I feel that aw that my husband and I have created this life together, if that life was created in a lab and then syringed up in there? But I suppose if that is what we have to do then so be it and I will love that baby no matter how it was conceived and it will be ours no matter what method was used...but it's hard not to feel that pang of jealousy to hear the declaration "I'm pregnant".

My faith has not been tried sufficiently I guess. On to the next journey...

2009-07-21T04:57:00.004-04:00

I remembered my broken heart tonight.
The tears came to satisfy their need and
I am left with emptiness again.

Are there times where your heart still cries out,
after it seemingly has been forgotten?
Or is it a reminder to remember?

Will it ever stop?

The memories of your time spent with them
seem to fade, their smiling faces retreat
to the place reserved for quiet time.

They become a dream.

In the beginning so hard to forget.
As time moves on you don’t realize
how far you’ve truly come until,

you remember your broken heart and cry yourself to sleep.

How much can one heart take?

2009-07-19T18:10:00.003-04:00

I don't know exactly how to start this blog out. I typed and then erased my words I don't know how many times.

I know people who read the title are going to think something bad has happened but I assure you it is not the case but just my passing thoughts.

There's been so much heartache, not only in my immediate family but among many that I love and I have wondered how much one can take before they fall into crumpled heaps upon the ground and cry out "no more".

What is it that sustains us in times of tragedy?

To watch the one you love suffer, to watch them slowly and knowingly leave this mortality and know there is nothing you can do. That no prayer, that no blessing is going to save them.

I watched my mother as she took care of my sister. I am in awe of the strength she exuded. I knew her heart was breaking as she watched her first born child slowly leave this earth but I only saw her truly break down once while in the midst of prayer. What is it that sustained her then and sustains her now?

The thing that should sustain us all and that which people too often scoff at. It is the assurance, the hope that through our Faith, this life is just a stop along the journey toward something better and that though there are those who board the train a little earlier, we will all reach the same destination and they will be waiting for us.

Palmyra and Niagara (Long Post)

2009-07-16T15:24:00.006-04:00

Last year I had mentioned to my in-laws that I had never been to see the Hill Cumorah Pageant. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a play that is put on by members of the church that depict the major events of the Book of Mormon. My father-in-law made the suggestion that perhaps "next" year we could go and then maybe take a trip to Niagara too. I was elated and couldn't wait.

So finally "next" year came and we were off!

We drove to Palmyra and checked out all the sites there.

Oh before we got to Palmyra we stopped at a place called Presque Isle State Park. It sits off of Lake Eerie. It was really pretty and it didn't seem like a lake at all. I never realized how big the Great Lakes actual were... I know I know "Great" Lakes.

Anyway back to Palmyra:
-Walked to the top of the Hill Cumorah
-went the printing press where the first books of mormon were published
-took a tour of the Smith family farm, the frame house which the Smith family also lived in right down the road
-Visited the Sacred Grove
-Saw the Pageant which I recommend to ALL. We waited for about an hour to get out of the parking area but we were entertained by the anti-mormon person on his bullhorn. The funniest thing I heard all night was "you must repent for repenting". I was like whaaaa?
-And to top it off we went camping the night of the Pageant

Those who know me know I hate the idea of camping. When we were told that we were going to camp the first thing I said was I'll get my own hotel you guys can go camp just drop me off but then it had a shower and bathroom and that makes it better for me. The idea of "roughing it" bleh!

These things have to be in place before I would consider going camping:
-A bathroom
-A shower
-Nice weather-not too hot, not too cold
-hardly any bugs

Thankfully this place had it all. Although I did get 16 bug bites all around the lower part of my legs most happened while at the pageant so there weren't many bugs at the actual campsite and it was a beautiful night. I love the night sky especially where no city lights are and you can just see stars from horizon to horizon. I love the stars, I love a full moon, it is just breathtaking to me.

So the next morning we drove another couple of hours to Niagara! We stopped on the american side first. We walked around to Goat Island, Luna?? Island, and then we did something called Cave of the Winds and then Maid of the Mist.

Cave of the Winds I think was my favorite by far. You go down to the bottom of "bridal veil" falls and walk up to a deck called Hurricane deck or something like that where you can step into the water. We had ponchos but it didn't help, we still got soaked and the water coming off that just pummeled you but it was sooo much fun.

Here's a video from Maid of the Mist. The falls you see are the american side we went to bottom of the horseshoe falls but it was too wet and hubby didn't want to get the camera wet.

We then drove into Canada! My first trip out of the United States. I was expecting a little more from Canada but yeah...

Anyway we saw the falls from the Canadian side and it is definitely more beautiful on that side. I was just in aw of the falls and the best part was our hotel room overlooked the falls-just beautiful. They light the falls at night from 9-midnight and on fridays and sundays they set off fireworks yeah we were there saturday. That would've been so awesome.

This is a video of the horseshoe.

To end our trip to Canada we went to a place called Whirlpool falls? it is where the falls take a 90 degree bend but it sort of does a loop so it creates little whirlpools. I was expecting an awesome whirlpool but it wasn't so awesome but pretty none-the-less.

Then we headed back down to PA and back to GA. It was only for a few days but it seemed like a life time.

Check out pictures here (copy and paste it):

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=107526&id=517816127&l=423a05ee4a

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=107527&id=517816127&l=754c2ccd8c

If you can't view these let me know. You aren't supposed to need a facebook account, this is the public link they give to us to share our pictures.

Enjoy!! Sorry so long!

How The Lord of the Rings should've ended

2009-07-03T12:35:00.004-04:00

Paul Cardall and my song

2009-07-02T11:43:00.004-04:00

I have been waiting for more songs by Paul Cardall to show up on playlist.com. He is one of my favorite LDS musicians and finally they have more!

Although I greatly enjoyed MJ and I know some of you greatly enjoyed listening to my songs from MJ, I'm sorry to say that it is time to move on.

As I was playing a few pieces on the piano the other day, I began to wonder if my heart could sing what song would be playing. So I decided to do an experiment. I closed my eyes and began to play anything that came out of my fingers.

As I began to play what I refer to as "my song", a tune so somber and so sad struck me in such a way that I started to cry. It started out slow, got faster and harder. I don't know how long I actually played but it eventually got slower, softer and finally ended when to be honest, I could play nothing more. It was a piece that if one were to hear it they would say "I know exactly what they were feeling when they wrote that." Unfortunately I didn't record it, and more saddening and maddening, I couldn't duplicate it.

I've sat and just played before but this experience was different. It was as if all my emotions, all my sadness and all of my anger were released because when I went to try and duplicate the first song, a happier song came out. I couldn't duplicate the sadness, I couldn't duplicate the anger.

Those of you who cry when they hear a beautiful piece of music, those of you whose breath is caught when you listen to a symphony, those who are stopped dead in their tracks just to listen, those that "feel" music, not just listen to it but actually feel it speak to you, may be able to understand a little more of what my experience was.

That song, my song, came from somewhere deep within me. I wish I could've shared it but maybe it was just for me.

RIP

2009-06-26T13:17:00.005-04:00

I was so shocked and saddened to hear that such an icon had gone quietly into the night. You're awesome and we'll miss you.

Thank you for being the legend you are.

Here's to you Michael!

Jon and Kate, the yin to the yang

2009-06-23T12:11:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I was never an avid watcher of the show but I will admit that I to have been caught up in the frenzy. As sad as that is, on a pathetic level, nothing is more sad than the fact that they will be splitting up.

I'm not a psychiatrist or a therapist but I will put my 2 cents in just the same. Kate is a type A personality. Jon is a type B. Why would these 2 fall in love? Basically, he was the yin to her yang. As cliche as this sounds Jon and Kate completed each other.

"What we've got here is failure to communicate." A failure to continue knowing each other, to know the likes and dislikes of the one you chose to be your companion and whom you promised to love, to honor, to cherish. It is so important to nurture your relationship with your spouse. Yes, that's hard with one kid let alone 8 but it was doable and they both failed. It is ok, 1 kid or 8 to take time for yourself and your spouse.

Before the "big announcement" was made I was hoping for something more along the lines of "we are stopping the show, there are more important things to save" but unfortunately they took the route so many people do when they don't know what to do-nothing. And that is what we are left with, nothing.

"Yin yang are balanced. Because they rise together they are always equal. If one disappears, the other must disappear as well, leaving emptiness. This is rarely immediately apparent, though, because yang elements are clear and obvious while yin elements are hidden and subtle."

There's always hope. Let's not forget that...

to each his own

2009-06-17T21:04:00.003-04:00

I hate long entries so I apologize in advance for this one.

Some people find the idea of twitter, facebook, myspace, BLOGGING etc either a complete waste of time, a detached form of friendship, or a way for people to feel important.

I am sure that in some way, shape or form it is all 3 and more and will admit that I was once part of that group of "some people".

No doubt that the internet has changed the way people interact with each other. It isn't hard to create a false identity on the internet. I do not know to what extent people have but I personally believe that if you hide who you are in the cyberworld where no one knows who you are anyway, you do that real life too.

To be honest, the idea of facebook, myspace, etc did not appeal to me at first. The idea of becoming another lemming in the cyberworld was not one of the things I personally desired to do. Yeah, I had email but who didn't? But myspace? Blogging? Chatrooms?

While I still do not venture into chatrooms and I have not jumped on the schizophrenic myspace bandwagon I have obviously ventured into facebook and blogging.

I started blogging because I felt it was important to keep a journal and I wasn't writing in my journal as often as I should because I type way faster than I write and my thoughts are more easily explained when they go straight from brain to fingers. I also found it a great way to keep people in the loop of your life. Let's face it, either you're too lazy to pick up a phone or you're just too busy and blogging to me is a way to say hey, I'm still here and this is what I'm doing.

I started facebook because my friends were on there and since I have gotten married I don't interact with them on the same level as I did before. We live in different states, have different lives but I do believe that facebook is good in the way that you can still be connected to them. It isn't so much detached friendships when you are friends with those who were already your friends. I think that comes into play when you become friends with anybody who will agree to add you.

Does it become an excuse not to pick up the phone or not to hang out with people? I'm sure on a certain level it does but I also believe that you can find out more about people. The memes you do, the quizzes on facebook you take have revealed things about people you would never had known even with face-to-face interaction.

On a side note:

Without the internet, I wouldn't be married. I am in no way an advocate of internet relationships but ours was different.

I met my husband through a mutual friend. It was of course by accident. If there's such a thing as fate, it was supposed to happen this way. I was on my friend's computer when instant messenger popped up with a hey from someone named Kittster. I proceeded to tell this person that I wasn't who he thought I was. He began to apologize and say he would let me go but I decided to chat with him anyways.

We chatted for hours that first night exchanged screennames and for the next 6 months talked solely on instant messenger. We developed a friendship, stronger than what could have ever possibly been had. The longer I chatted with him the more I knew I couldn't wait until the next time we could chat. Soon we exchanged photos. I had seen a picture of him before so I had an idea but it was only one picture and it was an old one. Not too long after that I wanted an actual voice. We talked on the phone the first time October 3 and like instant messenger talked for 4-5 hours every night. 2-3 weeks after our first voice conversation we were engaged. I was to go up for Thanksgiving and he would come down for Christmas but I started having cold feet and ended up going up there sooner than expected. When I met my husband-to-be for the first time his mom pretty much had to force him to hug me he was so nervous and when he gets nervous he just locks up.

I truly believe, knowing my husband's personality, that if we'd met face-to-face we wouldn't have developed as deep a friendship as we did. I don't believe even if he liked me he would ever ask me out and knowing how I was I would like someone else who would never like me back and would completely ignore him.

Needless to say, we just celebrated 5 years together and he truly is my best friend.

....

2009-06-16T13:00:00.004-04:00

Ok so they are making a big deal about Chastity Bono going through with her sex change.

Ok whatever. But I have a problem and it's not what you think.

They say that those who choose to live as the opposite sex like to be referred by the opposite pronouns he, his, him etc. But if you're talking to someone and say "well Jo/he likes to go to whatever", and the other person is all like "who" and then you say you know Jo/Joann, they are like "OH HERRRR!". And if you're talking about a woman who lives as a man yet they still have their goods, you still have to refer to them as "the she who is living as a he"....

If I didn't already know them I wouldn't have a problem saying he, him, his but lets say we're talking about Chastity Bono who everyone knows and refer to her (see "her") by Chaz. Are people really going to catch on that that's who you are talking about or will you have to say "you know Chastity Bono" guess what you'll hear "oh herrrr!"

We are going to have to go the same route as we did with Prince when he changed his name. "The guy formerly known as Chastity Bono"....
---------------------

LOL, I'm making this into more than one post. I watched Prom Night last night. Laughed the entire time. I don't know if I can ever watch another horror movie without cracking up. You need to see it to know what I'm talking about because it was just....retarded.

Why did I watch it? I was delirious.
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On a lighter/happy note:

I had to babysit from 11am to 10pm. My employers got an early gift yesterday. Their second son! Wasn't supposed to come for another 3 weeks.

So now I have 2 charges how exciting. Can't wait to see the new baby. Congratulations guys!!

because it was requested...

2009-06-11T16:41:00.003-04:00

...I am going to update my blog.

I just spent a few days in Alabama visiting my parents. It was a simple trip, we went "window shopping" for furniture, shopping for clothes !YES!, and I received a hair cut.

I will post pictures of my hair soon enough but our card reader for our camera is still packed up somewhere and sometimes I am just too lazy to go and find things. I know, I know the anticipation you are feeling is so overwhelming but try to calm yourselves.

My parents as with most older adults watch the news channels. It seems that's all they watch sometimes and you know yes while they can have interesting things on and things we need to know, they repeat the same news ALLLLLLL DAYYYYYY LONG!

But anyway, although I can't sit there and watch Fox News all day long I do like certain shows. One of which is the Glenn Beck show. Some people may find him crazy, annoying, wanting to put fear and panic into the hearts of Americans but I truly feel he tells it like it is and it's refreshing. The messages that he brings to the American people are true.

He said something very interesting yesterday and I wish I could remember exactly what he said but as he was saying it I thought immediately of the scriptures and of revelations and how what we have seen, are seeing and what we will see are in fulfillment of prophecy. We know that the constitution will hang by a thread, that the world-all the world-will be in turmoil, that the earth will groan, that there will be earthquakes in diverse places, wars, rumors of wars. I am afraid for America. I am afraid for my children who will grow up in these times but all these things must come to pass.

We are coming close to Act III.

Watch closely to the things that are going on. Watch and be careful of what we are allowing the Fed. Government to do. They are slowly, in the guise of "saving america", getting their foothold on all things. Do not believe "that will never happen in America", how many of us said that about so many things and then when it happens what do you then hear? "We didn't know." Or "We never thought."

Our freedom, our agency, is at stake.

Til next time!

Sorry

2009-05-27T11:09:00.002-04:00

Hey guys sorry I've been out of the loop. We are somewhat settled into our new home although I'm a little reluctant to show pictures since the house is still not quite picturesque in my opinion.

We've gotten the majority of the things necessary to live all settled, however, all the accessories that make a house a home are not up yet.

Personally if I had the money right now I would buy all new things and hire a decorator. I feel this is a new step in our lives and new furniture would fit the bill perfectly (instead of hand-me-downs) but seeing as we have spent a lot of money getting this wonderful home it will just have to wait.

Oh well. Such is life.

I can't stand how quickly money goes.

So when I get the house at least somewhat presentable I will post pictures. Until then wait with bated breath.

why do i murmur?

2009-05-07T01:21:00.002-04:00

President Hinckley once said "Things will work out. Keep trying. Be believing. Be happy. Don't get discouraged. Things will work out."

During this time of stress and confusion I found myself resentful and I began to murmur. I had prayed that everything be fine and little by little things just got worse. It didn't work out the way I had planned in the beginning. I thought things would go smoothly and they didn't. Although I had every right to be upset at the situation I felt myself saying things like "I should've known better than to be hopeful or I should've known better than to believe we would get this house."

I've said this before that I used to always have the attitude of President Hinckley. That I had no need to worry, that everything would work out.

Since my sister passed I feel I have lost that and I have found more times than not when things get hard I begin to get angry and begin to murmur. I really believe the reason for my feelings is that because things didn't work out the way I had wanted them to with my sister, that almost everything I pray for or desire will be ripped from me. That there is absolutely no guarantee. So now it's completely the opposite of thinking everything will work out, to thinking that nothing will work out. I hope that made sense.

Instead of thinking this may be taking so long, or being pushed back because there is something going on that our eyes cannot see and minds cannot comprehend or thinking that this might be a test, I go toward negativity and hopelessness.

It isn't until things either work out or completely fall through, that I remember one simple thing- things happen. That it's a part of life, part of the package of our existence and that no matter what happens along the way, things always work out the way they are supposed to.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Jason Mraz's Details in the Fabric lyrics I think sum up how I should be.

"Calm down, deep breaths, and get yourself dressed. Instead of running around and pulling on your threads and breaking yourself up. If it's a broken part, replace it. If it's a broken arm then brace it. If it's a broken heart then face it. And hold your own, know your name, and go your own way, and everything will be fine. Hang on, help is on the way. Stay strong. I'm doing everything. Are the details in the fabric, are the things that make you panic, are your thoughts results of static cling? The results of mother nature's sewing machine are the things that make you blow. Hell, no reason, go on and scream. If you're shocked it's just the fault of faulty manufacturing. Everything, everything will be fine. Everything, in no time at all...Hearts will hold."

stressful week

2009-05-02T23:23:00.002-04:00

So when we made the offer on the house everything seemed to be going smoothly. I packed us up and pretty much had all I could do done by the time April 28th rolled around. We get news maybe the Wednesday or Thursday before the 28th that April 28th more than likely won't happen and probably would happen May 1st or 2nd. Ok not that bad although we really wanted to be out by the end of April so we wouldn't have to worry about May's rent but still we wouldn't have to pay that much so wasn't a big deal.

We wait.

Then we hear that the banks changed all their rules and we couldn't get approved for the conventional loan even though we qualified and were approved previous to this. Apparently the banks who caused the housing problem in the first place doesn't want a repeat and have made it harder for people to get loans but yet want people to buy these houses....whatever.

So we're like, ok what do we do? We've already forwarded our mail, we've already gotten Homeowner's insurance, all our things are packed up, we're sleeping on the floor, we've already given notice to vacate our apartment...what the crap??

"Let's try an FHA loan, your paperwork is already done for that so we'll just put it through and we're confident you'll get it"

Ok. Fine.

We get a phone call from our agent that we needed to file an extension on the contract for the house and wait until hear about the loan. No problem, right?

Ever notice bad things happen in waves?

We get a phone call from our agent that "Fannie Mae, the owner of the house, feels that we may not qualify for the FHA loan and feel they would like to put the house back on the market for 5 days and we'll need to do another contract for the house but the good news is they can't submit any offers that came in until the 4th and that our offer would be the first one submitted but if someone put in another offer after ours that was better then we would lose the house regardless of whether or not the loan came through."

Ok, so you're telling me we not even get the house after all this!!!!????

So we do the new contract, send if off and hope for the best. Thankfully our real estate agent called the loan people and said look all of this is not my clients' fault and our only bargaining chip is whether or not they can get the loan approved please make sure they can get the loan.

Long story short. We were approved and our new contract was accepted. However, we have no closing date.

I'm not getting my hopes up. Not after the emotional rollercoaster I've been on for the past week. I'm just waiting until we get our closing date and close before I get excited again.

Anything can happen and I'm tired of having my hopes dashed.

closing date postponed

2009-04-25T12:57:00.001-04:00

Just when you think everything is going smoothly the closing date gets postponed. Let's hope it doesn't get postponed again.

2009-04-23T15:45:00.001-04:00

blah blah blah blah

nothing to write about

continuation of previous post and more reflection....

2009-04-19T18:55:00.003-04:00

So a friend of mine has inspired me to blog. If you'd like to read what inspired me to say this then click on the Michael Andrew Photography link on my blog roll and it's titled "I learned an important lesson today." He amazes me that he has been so courageous in his decisions and approach to life. Now if we can just get him married that will seal the deal :P

As I said in my previous post I realized that I have prevented myself from reaching the goals I want to reach and that I know I have gifts/talents that are yet to be discovered or have been discovered yet I am too afraid to fully nurture it and cultivate it.

Most people don't know that I take photographs. In college I took a photography class because I felt as if I did have talent there. Others have told me that you take good pictures and that maybe I should become a photographer. I would let them say what they wanted to say and thank them for the compliment but I would never do it.

People have encouraged me to start teaching piano lessons. Haven't done it.

People have encouraged me to publish my stories and poetry. Ok I admit I have 2 poems that have been published but to be PUBLISHED....I don't know about that.

Why don't I? Because what if I'm just not that good?

We watched the Yes Man with Jim Carrey the other night. How could I get inspiration from a Jim Carrey movie? !!SPOIL ALERT!! In this movie Carl Allen (Jim Carrey) has said No to everyone and anyone and has pretty much become a recluse. He has a job at a bank but he isn't happy, etc. He goes to a seminar that teaches "Yes is the new No" after he has a dream that he died and no one cared. At this seminar he makes a "covenant" to say Yes to everything no matter what it is. The simple change of using Yes instead of No causes a cascade of events that lead him to open up, lead him to a new love, and become overall a happier better person.

My point of mentioning this is I am on the verge of becoming a "No woman". I have come up with excuses not to go out, I've screened calls, I haven't cultivated my existing talents/gifts and haven't gone after the ones I desire to have because of this stupid fear of being rejected.

So my goal is to to become a "Yes woman" and say yes to living life. Get out of the blahness and into the light. Be more adventurous, be more outgoing. Live life as it was meant to be lived with happiness and zeal.

Life is full of what ifs but you will never know unless you take that what if and turn it into reality.

reflection

2009-04-14T15:25:00.003-04:00

I've been trying to pack up my things. Buying a house is exciting yes but if I could snap my fingers and everything be done I'd be in Heaven. On top of that, I haven't been feeling very good lately. I feel really run down, having to force myself to eat even though I have no desire to, stomach upset and being more tired and feeling at times somber.

I've been able to reflect on things that have been and wonder about the things which are to come. I've noticed how cynical I've become. How rebellious in thinking....how negative. I have the desire to be better but I seem to fall short of my own expectation.

I have gifts that await me that I have not sought after. I've slacked off in my duties, I haven't been as vigilant in my spiritual progression as I should be. I'm very disappointed in myself. I have been blessed beyond measure and I have measured myself and found myself wanting.

New House

2009-04-13T09:42:00.003-04:00

Ok, so we bought a new house. Townhome actually. We have been looking for a while now and I had all but given up hope. We had made 2 offers previously and they never worked out for one reason or another. So we took 6 months off from looking.

We weren't going to look again until summer time and hopefully take as much time as we could so we wouldn't have to break our lease which is up in November but I got to looking and picked out a few places. I pretty much gave up on finding a house in our price range because we hadn't seen a house in our price range that I would want anyone to live in unless I utterly hated their guts so I stuck pretty much to townhomes.

My hubby kept looking at the picture of this townhome online and he never ever did that. I mean never. Whenever I would show him a house he'd always be "meh" or "yeah we can take a look". I mean he wasn't exactly "excited" but he just kept looking at it so anyway we drove around to about 17 places, this home included, and knocked off all but 3 but the one we eventually went for was our #1. It was listed for $119,000 a foreclosure. Since we weren't planning on really buying right away I just asked my agent to look into the house and tell us if there was an offer already put on it and to please keep an eye on it. Well not too long after the price dropped to $112 and I immediately called the Realtor and asked if we could please take a look at it we don't want to miss out on the opportunity. So we went to see it and loved it! It had everything we were looking for and more. It's a 3 story, 2 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage with an extra unfinished room for a potential movie theater and a deck. It also has a loft area that could be a potential small 3rd bedroom if we were so inclined to make it so. We got it for $108. How totally awesome is that? Our closing date is April 28th!

If you want to see pictures click on the link.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/album.php?aid=88845&id=517816127&ref=mf